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Sonic Boom
Three Men And My Baby! (transcript)

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This is the transcript of the Sonic Boom episode, "Three Men And My Baby!".

[Scene: Canyon, day.]

[Sonic and Tails are on hoverboards and taking a ride with Enerbeams around Knuckles' monster truck. It drives through a cactus unharmed.]
Knuckles: Woohoo! Oh, there’s no endangerment like reckless endangerment!
Sonic: You can say that again!
Knuckles: Hold on tight, boys. We're going into maximum overdrive! [Looks at the pizza oven built into the monster truck] Oh, pizza's ready!
[Knuckles picks the pizza out of the oven and burns his hand. Knuckles releases the steering wheel and tosses the pizza around. The monster truck loses control and flips over once before continuing onward, now out of control. Sonic and Tails are holding onto the monster truck with their Enerbeams all the way.]

[Scene Change: Village Center, day.]

[Knuckles' monster truck drives into the Village Center. Lady Walrus, carrying a pram, gasps.]
Sonic: Knuckles, look out!
[Knuckles puts his hands on the steering wheel, but drops the hot pizza on his lap.]
Knuckles: Whoooah! It's days like these I wish I wore pants!
[Sonic and Tails de-activate their Enerbeams and let go of the monster truck. Lady Walrus screams as the monster truck steers away from her and crashes into a palm tree. An airbag covers Knuckles' face after the monster truck has crashed.]
Tails: Woah, that was lucky. Somebody could've gotten hurt!
[Lady Walrus screams again as the palm tree Knuckles drove into falls on her. Sonic and Tails flinches. Lady Walrus is shown lying under the tree while her pram rolls away slowly.]

[Scene Change: Lady Walrus' house, day.]

Sonic: Again, our sincerest apologies. These pizza-related incidents are becoming all too common.
Tails: Maybe it's about time we as a culture, banned restaurant-grade pizza ovens from cars altogether.
Lady Walrus: Will I ever be able to walk into Meh Burger again?
Doc: Oh absolutely.
Lady Walrus: That's a shame.
Doc: But you're going to need some rest. No getting out of this bed for the next few days.
Stratford: I'll take care of you, mama.
Lady Walrus: Thank you, Stratford, but what about little Chumley? Who'll care for my baby!
Sonic: Suddenly you're worried about your baby's safety? [Tails taps Sonic] Uh, I mean, I guess we could watch your kid for a little while. After all we saved the village on a weekly basis. How hard could it be to watch one baby?

[Scene Change: Tails' house, day.]

[Chumley cries he kicks diapers across the room.]
Knuckles: Why would she trust us with a baby? We've dropped a tree on her!
Tails: There's gotta be something we can do to make it stop! Maybe he's hungry.
Sonic: Yeah, let's, uh, feed it a chili dog. Everyone loves chili dogs.
Tails: I don't think he can eat solid food.
Sonic: Well then, put it in the blender.
Knuckles: Well, if you say so.
[Knuckles, carrying the baby, tries to put him in the blender, but Sonic stops him.]
Sonic: The chili dog, not the baby!
Knuckles: Oh, yeah that makes more sense.
[Chumley watches the blender blending the chili dog, his pacifier falls out, but he's not crying. Sonic opens up the blender and Knuckles takes a spoonful out of the blender and makes airplane noises. He gives the spoonful to Chumley.]
Knuckles: Here comes the airplane.
[Knuckles stops and gets distracted.]
Knuckles: What, wh, wh, sorry folks. Looks like there's a backup on the tarmac. Just sit tight and enjoy this encore airing of our safety video. [Rich voice] Hello. Willkommen. Aloha. [Chumley starts crying again.]
Sonic: Can you just feed the kid already?
[Knuckles gives the spoonful to Chumley. He laughs and claps in response. Team Sonic breathe a sigh of relief.]
Sonic: Taking care of a baby isn't so hard. We totally got this.
[Chumley poops his diaper.]

[Scene Change: Amy's house, day.]

Amy: I don't think so.
Sonic: But Amy somebody needs to take responsibility for our actions. Why does is have to be us?
Amy: Sorry guys. Not my monkey, not my circus.
[Amy shuts the door, Chumley poops his diaper again. Sonic, Tails and Knuckles flinch. Chumley drops his pacifier and cries again.]

[Scene Change: Tails' Workshop, day.]

[Sonic, Knuckles and Tails are wearing spacesuits trying to change the diaper.]
Tails: We are go for removal of diaper 1.
[Sonic picks up a bag with tongs.]
Sonic: [Sighs] Diaper 1 successfully detached. Prepare hazardous waste disposal.
Tails: Ready Waste bin.
[Tails brings in a waste bin for Sonic to place the bag in. Sonic drops the bag into the waste bin]
Knuckles: Applying diaper 2.
[Knuckles puts diaper 2 on Chumley and wraps tape around it while Chumley giggles.]
Sonic: We've changed a diaper.
[Chumley poops his diaper and cries again.]
Knuckles: Ready diaper 3.

[Scene Change: Tails' House, day.]

[Chumley is still crying inside his bassinet.]
Sonic: [Rocking the bassinet, kind of angry] We fed you and changed you. What more do you want? Just go to sleep.
[Chumley takes his pacifier out of his mouth and cries louder.]
Tails: Maybe we should try singing to him, like a lullaby or something?
Sonic: [Singing, still kind of angry] Rock-a-bye baby in the treetop.
[Chumley keeps crying.]
Sonic [While singing, getting angrier and more frustrated] Whatever we do, this kid just won't stop!
Knuckles: That's because you're not putting on enough of a show.
[Sonic, Tails and Knuckles, while wearing their Dude-itude outfits, dance and sing for Chumley with some music playing in the background.]
Sonic, Tails and Knuckles: [Singing] Rock-a-bye! Baby, rock-a-bye! Baby, rock-a-bye! Baby, yeah! Rock-a-bye! Baby, rock-a-bye! Baby, rock-a-bye! Baby, yeah! Yeah!!!
[Chumley has a confused look on his face, and then starts crying again.]
Knuckles: Oh, I told you we shouldn't have skipped on the pyrotechnics! Better pack this gear back into the Dude-Mobile.
Tails: [Excitedly] That's it!
Knuckles: What? Running away from our problems?
Tails: No. A mobile!

[Scene Change: Tails' House, day.]

[Soothing lullaby music plays as a mobile hangs and spins in front of Chumley, making him fall asleep. Sonic and Tails breathe a sigh of relief.]
Sonic: [Whispering] Finally. How did you know this would work?
Tails: [Whispering] Studies show that the motion and sound of mobiles appeals to an infant's simple, underdeveloped mind.
[Knuckles snores alongside Chumley.]
Sonic: [Whispering] He's kinda cute when he's not screaming his head off.
[Suddenly, an explosion is heard, waking everyone up. Chumley's pacifier falls out and he starts crying again.]

[Scene Change: Outside Tails' House, day.]

[Team Sonic head out the door and prepare to fight some Badniks, with Sonic holding Chumley.]
Sonic: Knux. You watch Chumley while I smash this [Softly] very nice man [Harshly] into oblivion! Heads up!
[Knuckles holds Chumley while Sonic and Tails take care of the Badniks. Sonic spin attacks a Crab Bot and a Bee Bot. Tails attacks another Bee Bot with his Enerbeam. Knuckles feeds Chumley some milk. Sonic kicks another Crab Bot and another Bee Bot. Tails smacks another Crab Bot with his Enerbeam. Sonic bounces off another Crab Bot and hangs on the Eggmobile, staring at Eggman.]
Sonic: [Angrily] It took us hours to put that baby down, Eggman! Now we're gonna put you down!
Knuckles: Yeah! And not for nap-naps either.
Dr. Eggman: I'm sorry. I didn't realize this boring action sequence was getting in the way of your enthralling babysitting escapades.
[Eggman spins his Eggmobile backwards, throwing Sonic back towards Knuckles and Chumley. Knuckles throws Chumley up in the air as soon as Sonic collides with him.]
Tails: I got it!
[Tails throws his wrench at a Bee Bot and flies quickly towards Chumley and manages to catch him before he hits the ground. They both laugh together. Sonic and Knuckles prepare for combat. Knuckles unleashes a ground pound, taking out all the ground Badniks. A Bee Bot approaches Tails and Chumley, forcing Tails to drop the baby while it fires lasers. Tha baby falls down in Eggman's hands.]
Dr. Eggman: Ew, gross. It's all sticky! And it smells like pea soup and talcum powder.
[While Eggman looks away, Chumley presses buttons on the Eggmobile.]
Dr. Eggman: Hey, hey, hey! Keep your goofy baby mitts off my console.
[The Eggmobile shuts down and falls down on a Crab Bot. Three Bee Bots fall to the ground as well. Chumley laughs.]
Dr. Eggman: Oh come on. I was winning that one!
[Sonic snatches Chumley from Eggman. Knuckles kicks Eggman and the Eggmobile into the distance. Chumley claps and laughs.]
Sonic: You're pretty good in a fight, little dude.
Tails: It turns out all he really wanted was a little gratuitous violence.
Knuckles: A baby after my own heart.
Sonic: I think we're finally getting the hang of this.
[A montage plays. Sonic, Tails and Knuckles slowly walk across the Village Center feeding Chumley. Perci, Staci and Zooey glance in awe. Tails buys a toy giraffe from the Male Fennec's store and Chumley hugs it. Afterwards, Sonic gives him a high-speed piggyback ride. Next, they return home and impersonate a family dynamic, with Sonic playing with Chumley, Tails cooking and Knuckles returning from work. Knuckles snores on the couch, but Tails wakes him up and has him put the trash bag away. Knuckles grunts in anger, but Chumley starts crying again. Afterwards they head outside, with Knuckles pushing Chumley on a swing. He pushes so hard that Chumley falls off the swing. Fortunately, Sonic catches him and the baby laughs and claps. Chumley also catches his toy giraffe. The next scene shows Chumley on Tails' Plane. Tails tilts the plane, much to Chumley's excitement.]

[Scene Change: Sonic's Shack, evening.]

[Sonic, Tails, Knuckles and Chumley all arrive in Sonic's Shack, very tired and exhausted. They all fall asleep, with Sonic sleeping in his hammock.]

[Scene Change: Sonic's Shack, morning.]

Knuckles: [Yawns] Hey, guys. A quick question about that baby we were watching? [Yawns again]
Sonic: Oh...
Knuckles: Anyone know where he is?
[Dramatic music plays as Chumley is shown to be missing from his pram. Sonic and Tails scream in horror.]
Sonic: Alright guys, don't panic. I'm sure he's around here somewhere. Chumley? Oh, Chumley?
[Team Sonic look for Chumley around the shack, but to no avail. Sonic spots the toy giraffe on the ground.]
Sonic: Oh no. Chumley's escaped! He's out there in the real world!
Tails: What if he's in trouble? What if he's hurt?
Knuckles: Or what if he's pursuing a degree in liberal arts?
Sonic: We gotta find him! Better check all the most dangerous places in town.

[Scene Change: Volcano, day.]

[Team Sonic check the volcano first. Sonic runs all the way down to the core and returns with burns all over his body.]
Sonic: He's not here.

[Scene Change: Village Center, day.]

Knuckles: Maybe he's in this tree? [Kicks the tree] Nope. Nothing in the tree. [Coconuts fall and land on Knuckles' head, knocking him out.]

[Scene Change: Canyon, day.]

[Sonic, Tails and Knuckles are standing on a small mountain. Tails flies around the canyon, but can't find Chumley.]
Tails: He's not down on the ground.
Knuckles: He's not up in the sky either.

[Scene Change: Village Center, day.]

Sonic: I know we've been putting it off, but it's time we checked the most dangerous place of all.
[Team Sonic go to Meh Burger and ask Dave the Intern.]
Dave: No babies has come by here all day.
[Relieved, Team Sonic hug each other. Sonic drags Dave into the group hug. They let go.]
Sonic: Wait, why are we celebrating? I mean, it's great that he's not ingesting D-grade beef...
Dave: I wouldn't call it beef, per say.
Sonic: But we gotta face the facts: We lost baby Chumley.
Tails: [Upset] Poor little guy. [Sniffs] He was such a trooper.
Knuckles: [Upset] The way he'd crawl around and nuzzle into my [Sniffs] impressively sculpted triceps.
Sonic: [Upset] Or how he's pumped his little fists whenever we listen to speed metal.
Knuckles: Let's agree that we won't bicker over whose fault it is, be it Sonic for not installing the door on his shack, or Sonic for not securing Chumley in a safety hammock. Or even Sonic...
Sonic: Oh, hey! What about you, Knuckles?
Knuckles: [Angrily] Now's not the time to point fingers!
Tails: I guess we're all responsible. And that means we all have to go tell Lady Walrus the truth together.

[Scene Change: Lady Walrus' house, day]

[Sonic knocks on the door. Lady Walrus opens it.]
Lady Walrus: Oh. Hello boys.
Sonic: Hi Lady Walrus. Y-You know that feeling when you misplace your keys and you look everywhere but you just can't find them?
[Lady Walrus gives Sonic a bored look.]
Knuckles: Now imagine those keys are a baby.
Sonic: [Sighs] Look. There's no easy way to say this. Chumley, he's...
[Tails spots Chumley up on the roof.]
Tails: Right there?
Sonic, Tails and Knuckles: Chumley!
[Chumley falls off the roof, but Tails catches him, and gives him to Lady Walrus.]
Lady Walrus: My baby! You're home! [Chumley laughs] You boys really outdid yourselves.
Sonic: Oh it was nothing.
Knuckles: Bye, Chummers. We'll miss you, and don't forget, [Starts crying] start with free weights, then move to benchpress with a cool-down between reps. You got this buddy. You're gonna be so swol come summer.
[Chumley laughs and waves to Team Sonic. Lady Walrus closes the door. Knuckles breaks down and cries louder, with Sonic and Tails gently patting him.]

[Scene Change: Canyon, day.]

Amy: Well guys. I hope you learned something from this whole ordeal.
Sonic: Oh absolutely. We got a crash course in responsibility.
Tails: That's why I installed a throttle on the pizza oven in Knuckles' monster truck. Now it only works if he's in park.
[Amy sighs in disgrace.]
Knuckles: Remember kids, don't cook and drive!
[Knuckles drives the monster truck around the canyon with Sonic and Tails riding behind on hoverboards and Enerbeams. Amy grunts furiously after getting sand in her eye. The camera then points to Chumley's toy giraffe, which is seen hanging from the rear-view mirror in Knuckles' monster truck.]