The Shabbat Dinner/Transcript

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Knuckles The Shabbat Dinner (transcript)

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This is a transcript of the Knuckles episode, "The Shabbat Dinner".

[Opening credits roll, with Wade playing a bell.]

[Scene: Whipple Residence.]

[The episode begins with Wade and Knuckles in the front door of Wade's childhood home, as Wade rings the doorbell.]

Wade: Stay hidden, until I give you the signal.

Knuckles: Why?

Wade: 'Cause I think you're gonna freak people out.

[Knuckles hides as the door opens and Wade is greeted by his mother, Wendy Whipple, who is surprised by his arrival.]

Wade: Hi, Mom. I'm home.

Wendy: Wade, my little hamentashen! [she greets Wade with a kiss] How long has it been? Well, I can tell you exactly how long it's been. Two years, three months, and 13 days. Not that I'm marking my calendar.

[Both Wade and his mother laugh.]

Wade: Clearly. Uh, listen, Mom, it's good to be home. I-I do have something to...

[Wade's sister, Wanda Whipple, arrives in the front door.]

Wanda: [taking of her sunglasses] 'Sup Wade?

Wade: 'Sup Wanda?

Wanda: I gotta tell you. If you're... back here because you lost your squad car again, you wanna borrow Mom's Volvo^W, don't bother. Volvo is too much car for you anyways.

Wendy: Wanda...

Wanda: Maybe you should just stick to embarrassing yourself on the little baby scooter you've been taking on duty instead.

Wendy: Wanda!

Wade: Know what's embarrassing?

Wanda: What?

Wade: You wearing a windbreaker inside.

Wendy: Oh, Wade.

Wade: There's no wind in here. That's insane!

Wanda: I bet my whole life is insane to a local cop like you 'cause I'm out there breaking cases, dude. I'm going undercover. I'm working for the FBI...!

Wade: What is that? Why do you say it like that?

Wanda: That's how everybody in the FBI says it.

Wade: Then they should reprint the jackets.

Wanda: That would be so dumb, Wade.

Wade: Why are you here? [to Wendy] Why is she here?

Wanda: Yo! I'm here protecting the SODOTOTUS.

[Wade chuckles upon hearing that word.]

Wade: Okay.

Wanda: That's the "Secretary of the Department of Transportation for the United States". He's rolling in, and I'm working his 'cade. That means motorcade. That's what we call it in the FBI because it saves valuable seconds so we can save more lives.

Wade: Mm-hmm.

Wendy: Are we done?

Wanda: Mm-hmm.

Wade: Mom, I need to tell you something. I, uh, brought someone here.

Wendy: [surprised] Oh. Oh!

Wade: Yes.

Wendy: A friend?

Wade: Well...

Wendy: A girlfriend?

Wade: Mm...

Wendy: Is she Jewish?

[Wade laughs awkwardly as Knuckles arrives in the door, and Wanda gets her battle stance ready.]

Knuckles: Great Matriarch of the Whipple clan. I bow my head to you in respect, and I thank you for giving us safe harbor in our time of need.

[Wendy faints, as she did in the previous episode.]

Wade: [to Knuckles] Probably should have opened with your introduction in retrospect.

[Scene change: Whipple Residence, living room.]

[Wendy drinks some tea, as she regained her consciousness back. Everyone sits in the living room.]

Wendy: It's okay. I'm good. I'm fine. So... he's from space.

Wanda: Allegedly.

Wade: [whispers] Yes.

[Wanda rolls her eyes, as Wendy puts down her cup.]

Wendy: [to Knuckles] I do apologize for fainting. It was very rude of me. You're my guest. Welcome to our home.

Knuckles: We will not be here long.

Wade: Yeah, maybe just the night, and then we'll be outta your hair.

Wanda: Yo, I don't care who this guy is, I'm still gonna have to check him for weapons.

[Wanda takes out a metal detector and starts scanning Knuckles.]

Knuckles: You dare draw a weapon on me?! What is this sorcery? Wade. [Wanda scans him right under his legs.] Wade!

Wade: [to Wanda] You have a metal detector on you even when you're not on duty?

Wanda: I'm never not on duty, bro.

Wade: Damn, that's a good line.

Wendy: Wanda, he's a guest.

Wanda: Yes, mom.

Wendy: So... Knuchles--

Wade: Knu-ckles.

Knuckles: Knuckles.

Wendy: Knuchles!

Wade: Knuckles.

Wendy: That's what I said. Knuchles.

Wade: You're not saying that. You're making, like, a "c-h" sound. You're saying "ch."

Wanda: Yeah, it's weird.

Wade: It's like-- It's not like a dessert.

Wendy: Enough! [laughs] I would so love it if you would join us for dinner.

Knuckles: A ceremonial meal... with the Chief of the Whipple clan? It would be my great honor.

Wendy: I'll just put out two extra places.

Wade: Wait a minute. It's not... Is it?

Wendy: Please. Join us for Shabbat dinner.

[That last word triggers Wade's trauma, as a flashback sequence of Wanda tormenting Wade every Shabbat dinner, when they were kids plays in. Cut back to present.]

Knuckles: Wade, what is happening?

Wade: [whispering] We gotta get outta here. For the last few decades, every single Whipple family Shabbat dinner has been nothing but deceit, betrayal, and violence!

Wendy: So... is he Jewish?

Wade: Uh, y-yeah, on his, uh... Half, I think.

Wendy: Uh, mother's side?

Wade: I was about to say it. I think so.

Wendy: Oh good, oh good.

[Wendy kisses Wade in his head, and leaves, while Wanda gives Knuckles the "I'm watching you" signal and leaves the scene, leaving the echidna confused as he looks at his hand.]

Wade: [to Knuckles] I don't know why it's important that it's the mom's side, but just say that it is. I don't ask you about the millions of grapes you eat.

Knuckles: You leave my grapes out of this!

[Scene change: Whipple Residence, dining room.]

[The camera pins on the family table to focus on the many meals on the table, before going to a surprised Knuckles.]

Wade: [offscreen] Mom! You made all of my favorite foods, even the ones from the most obscure Jewish holidays! Everything looks so... brown.

Knuckles: What... a... feast! I am famished, but where are the grapes?

Wade: [offscreen] They're in the wine, buddy.

[Wendy arrives on the family table, holding two candles and sits down.]

Wendy: Welcome, everyone. Family members and guests. [to Knuckles] Now... Knuchles. I'm not sure how much you know about the traditions of the Jewish people.

Knuckles: I know very little, but I admire your tiny hats.

[Wendy laughs at Knuckles' comment.]

Knuckles: And I assume with a feast like this, the epics must tell of your great victories on the battlefield. At first glance, I thought you to be a malnourished weakling. But when you were cutting that meat, I noticed your arms are quite muscular.

Wendy: Oh.

Knuckles: Like a warrior!

Wendy: [flattered] Oh! Well. Thank you, Knuchles. I do Pilates three times a week. [to Wade] Wade, I like your friend.

Wade: [chuckles nervously] Okay, weird.

Wendy: Shabbat is the day of rest. It's about home. Every Friday, for three hours, the Whipple family, whoever's here, sits and eats together until the Shabbat candles burn out. And traditionally, the women of the home... [meanwhile Wanda is texting to someone] The women of the home light the candles. Wanda? Wanda, if you could help me?

Wanda: No way, mom. I'm on a work call. SODOTOTUS might go to Macaroni Grill.

Wendy: Wanda!

Wanda: What?!

Wendy: No phones on the table!

Wanda: It's work, mom!

Wendy: [sighs] Alright. I'll do it myself.

[Wendy uses a lighter to light the candles.]

Wendy: Baruch atah Adonai, Eloheinu melech ha'olam, asher kidshanu b'mitzvotav...

[As Wendy, makes a prayer over the candles, Wanda touches Wade's spoon.]

Wade: That's my spoon.

Wanda: That's my spoon. Not yours. Your spoon is over there.

Wade: No, that's Knuckles' spoon. That spoon in your hand is my spoon.

Wanda: Oh. [she throws it away] Oh, you know what? Sorry. That is your spoon.

[Wade gets up from the table and goes searching it.]

Wade: Where'd it go? Hey, Nolan Ryan^W, where'd you throw it?

Wanda: It went under the little table.

Wade: [sarcastically] Hahaha! So fun!

Wanda: It is awesome.

Wade: [sarcastically] So funny!

[Knuckles looks at them confused. Wade finds his spoon but it's dirty now.]

Wade: Ugh. It's gross.

[Wade cleans his spoon by shaking it to his glass of water.]

Wendy: Alright. Everyone, dig in.

[The Whipple family begins to eat.]

Wendy: So, Knuchles, tell me about your family.

Knuckles: [sadly] My people were killed by a race of giant owls.

Wendy: Owls?

Knuckles: I am now the last of my tribe.

Wendy: Oh. Our tribe has been through some tough times^W, too. Minus the giant owls. He's basically Jewish.

[Wade chuckles.]

Wendy: How's the food?

Knuckles: [burps] Delectable. This soup. I've never seen balls so plump and swollen with flavor.

Wanda: [to Wade] Yo, your friend is wild.

Knuckles: And you say this is fish, yet it has the consistency of a wet sponge. I cannot stop eating it. [he swallows it]

Wendy: Gefilte fish^W. One of our planet's greatest mysteries. Oh, let me get you some more, sweetie. [serves him another one] Now, tell me about these owls.

Wanda: [to Wade] Hey. How'd you get involved with this weird alien?

Wade: Look, it's not a big deal, but I've been working with a secret global law enforcement agency called G.U.N. [pauses briefly] Actually, you know what? It's a huge friggin' deal.

Wanda: [chuckles] There's no government agency called G.U.N. That's the fakest name I've ever heard, Wade. Plus, if they were lookin' for people, why would they recruit a small-time cop like you?

Wade: Look, I can't really talk about it, but I happen to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy. And I'm doing all this work pro bono, which means for free.

Wanda: I know.

Wade: Way above the FBI pay grade, so you probably wouldn't understand.

Wanda: No, I knew what it is. I've heard of G.U.N. I know what it is, and I actually... I actually know a guy there, too.

Wade: [blows raspberry] You know someone from G.U.N.?

Wanda: Yeah. I do.

Wade: Mm-hmm. What guy do you know at G.U.N.?

Wanda: Jim... Jim Gunagent.

Wade: The G.U.N. agent you know is named Jim Gunagent?

Wanda: Yeah. That's right. Who do you know there? Who's your guy? Oh, who's your guy at G.U.N.?

Wade: [scoffs] The guy I know is actually... [clears throat] also named Jim, uh, Gunagent, so I guess we probably know the same guy.

Wanda: Oh. Cool, cool, cool. So, I guess we both know Jim.

Wade: I guess we both know Jim. Cool, cool, cool.

Wendy: [laughing] Wade. Did you know that Knuchles almost destroyed the entire planet, and then ended up helping save it?

Wade: Yeah, mom. I was there.

Wendy: Oh.

Knuckles: And I'd gladly do it again, should I need to protect the Master Emerald. Oh, and Wade also contributed.

Wade: Thank you.

Wendy: That's my son.

Wanda: [sarcastically] Ooh! Sounds so important. I'm just wondering, like, what'd you do? Like, were you picking up coffees, or were you dropping off their dry cleaning?

Wade: If you must know what I did, right at the time that the head bad guy was gonna attack, I said "Hey!" and distracted him for a split second. And then, Sonic really took care of it.

Wanda: Sounds highly unlikely!

Wendy: Wanda, back off.

Wanda: Mom! I'm just asking what he did on that day, okay? And he's saying crazy things! I don't know why you always have to side with him!

Wendy: Oh, Wade. No, you, too.

Wade: I didn't even say anything!

Wade Doesn't matter. I saw it on your face. The two of you. Ugh. I mean, I swear. If I could just have a moment of peace.

[Knuckles looks at them very worryingly. Wanda kicks Wade at his leg.]

Wade: Ow! You suck. Sor--

Wendy: Wade, language!

Wade: I'm sorry, Mom, but she sucks so bad. [to Wanda, whispering] You suck!

[Wanda punches Wade to the elbow.]

Wade: Ow! Mom! [to Wanda] You wanna fight?! Let's do this.

Wanda: Okay, let's go!

[Wendy frustrated hits the table.]

Wendy: So HELP ME GOD! Do NOT make me use Krav Maga in my own home!

[The two siblings sit back down.]

Knuckles: [confused] What is this Krav Maga?

Wade: She used to be an instructor. Krav Maga, Israeli self-defense. Pretty hardcore stuff.

Knuckles: I see. You train warriors, as well.

Wanda: Y'know what? Whatever, mother! Okay, you can't threaten us with your Jewish karate chops because I... AM A FEDERAL AGENT! Okay? I REFUSE TO BE SPOKEN LIKE THIS FROM A LOCAL POLICE OFFICER!

Wade: Federal agent this, federal agent that. You know what, sounds like to me someone doesn't really know Jim Gunagent.

Wanda: UH, DO YOU?!

Wade: Uh, no because he doesn't exist!

Wanda: I KNEW IT, YOU LIAR!

Wade: Yeah, you knew it so much, you walked right into it.

Wendy: What did I do to deserve this? How many years of Shabbat spent alone? Now, both my children are finally home, and this is what I get?

Wade: I'm sorry, mom. It's...

[Full of hatred and jealousy, Wanda stabs Wade with a fork.]

Wade: OOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OH GOOOOOOOOOOODDDDDDD!!!!!!!!! I would PUNCH you in the face if you weren't an adult woman and I wasn't an adult man and that is just not accepted. [he removes the fork] OH, I HATE YOU!!! I'm going to my room!

[Wade gets up and leaves the table]

Wendy: Just go. Leave me here. Alone. Just like everyone. Just like that... good-for-nothing schmuck!

Wade: He's not a schmuck. He's my dad.

[As Wade leaves, Knuckles feels sorry for him.]

Wanda: Well, I'm glad I came. Another classic Whipple family Shabbat.

[Wanda leaves the table, as well].

Wendy: [to Knuckles] At least, I'm not all alone this time.

[Knuckles and Wendy exchange smiles, as she holds Knuckles' hand.]

[Scene change: Unknown location]

[A bounty hunter looks at the files of many fugitives, until he stops at Wade's smiling. He then picks the telephone and calls to someone.]

Cattleprod Bounty Hunter: Hey. It's me. Round up the guys. Got us an easy catch. Mm-hmm. This one's definitely gonna run home to mama.

[Scene change: Whipple Residence, Wade's old room.]

[Wade is seen lying on his old bed, crying, until he hears someone knocking his door.]

Wade: Umm. Don't come in here.

[Knuckles enters the room.]

Knuckles: Wade? Are you injured? I thought I heard the quiet sobs of a child.

Wade: [drying his tears] I know. I don't know what you heard because everything in here is fine. I'm just, uh, curled up in the fetal position, you know? My mental health has never been better.

Knuckles: Your quarters are fascinating.

Wade: Yeah? [he gets up from his bed] Oh, yeah. My old room.

Knuckles: What are these?

Wade: My posters? I got all the greats up there. Stallone, Keanu, Bryan Adams. Gods.

Knuckles: Ah, yes. I see. This is your pantheon of heroes.

Wade: Yeah. Spent a lot of time in here alone. Mostly dealing with my childhood abandonment issues, but...

Knuckles: [notices a poster next to him] And who's this magnificent and powerful man?

Wade: Oh, that guy?

Knuckles: [reads the poster] "'Pistol' Pete Whipple". [in realization] Wait... This great bowling warrior shares your family name?

Wade: Yeah. That's 'cause he's my dad.

Knuckles: Your father... is the champion? He will be at the tournament? Wade Whipple, is this why we are going to Reno? To confront and dethrone your father?! This quest only grows more glorious!

Wade: What?! No! I didn't know that. Are you telling-- Start from the beginning because wait a minute. My estranged father is also gonna be at the bowling tournament? That is news to me. Uh, definitely didn't have anything to do with my decision-making process in the matter.

Knuckles: I see. [notices something] What is this?

Wade: That? [he picks up an old discman] You wanna know what this is? This is my old Discman. Plays music. You wanna see something cool?

Knuckles: Mm-hmm.

[Wade opens his discman, to reveal an old CD.]

Wade: "WadeJammerz '99." The single best CD ever to be burned. This mix is front-to-back bangers. I wonder if she still works.

[Wade puts on the headpieces and pushes the play button. The discman plays "All the Small Things" by Blink-182.]

Wade: [laughs] Oh, yeah. Yeah, you don't get quality like this from the streamers. Yeah, this is my jam. You got to hear this.

[Wade takes off his headpiece and puts it near Knuckles' ear, so he can hear it.]

Knuckles: Mmm. Ah. What does that mean exactly? To have a jam?

Wade: It's like, um, your favorite song.

Knuckles: I don't understand.

Wade: [pauses the the song] Like... You don't have a favorite song?

Knuckles: No.

Wade: A jam is like something that pumps you up. You know, gets you jacked. It gives you the courage and bravery to do things that are out of the ordinary.

Knuckles: Is it a form of magic?

Wade: It is a bit like magic. You know, I had a friend who, when he listened to Alien Ant Farm, could lift a Toyota Corolla over his head. Swear to God, on my mom's life.

Knuckles: Hm... And this mix you made, it has jams?

Wade: Oh, yeah. "WadeJammerz '99"? Chock full of 'em. You listen to this mix, I guarantee you will be uttering the phrase, "That's my jam." [chuckles] My dad used to say that all the time.

Knuckles: Your father. Is he... the "schmuck" of whom your mother spoke?

Wade: That's the guy.

Knuckles: And he abandoned you? Giving not a second thought to his own flesh and blood? Discarding his only son like a piece of worthless junk.

Wade: Mm, your phrasing is rather hurtful, but yes. Every Friday afternoon, my dad and I would drive to the bowling alley, and we'd listen to this mix. You know, it was our thing, until it wasn't, but.

Knuckles: Hmm. [notices something] And what is this?

Wade: Oh. That is... nothing. [nervous] Please don't look at that. Please don't investigate.

Knuckles: [as he takes out a cardboard of a muscular woman] Now, this is a warrior. Who is this?

'Wade: Uh, this is actually, um, just a cardboard cutout of, uh, Zap from the hit morning show American Gladiators.

Knuckles: Ah, yes. She definitely belongs in your pantheon of heroes.

Wade: Yeah, yeah, she was a beast. I've had her since I was a kid. I actually didn't even know I still owned it though.

Knuckles: But, what are these little indentations on her shoulders?

Wade: [nervous] Uh, nothing. Definitely not where I hugged her too hard.

Wendy: [offscreen] Dessert. Dessert, everyone.

Wade: Uh, y-you know, y-y-you should go for dessert. I-I'm not really feeling like it tonight.

Knuckles: Wade. These marks. They seem to be everywhere.

Wade: Okay! Enough time with Zap. Thank you. [laughs]

Knuckles: Okay.

[Knuckles leaves the room, and closes the door.]

Wade: [to the cupboard; whispering] I'm sorry you had to hear that.

[Scene change: Whipple Residence, living room.]

[Knuckles and Wendy are watching a movie, eating lemon pies.]

Knuckles: So, I spent the next 14 days wandering through an alien desert. My enemies had ambushed me and left me for dead.

Wendy: Oh, God. Well, listen. Joshua^W wandered for 40 years, lost in the desert, looking for the Promised Land^W, so big whoop about your 14 days. No offense.

Knuckles: Is this part of the Jewish tradition? To eat pies of limes that are key and watch old movies?

Wendy: No, no Jewish. No, no, no. But we do like a good flick. This is a Whipple family tradition. Every Shabbat, after dinner, we'd eat dessert and then watch a movie till the candles burned out. It was nice.

Knuckles: Why has this tradition been broken?

Wade: Who knows? Families, they drift apart. Time. Yeah, well, I guess this is what my life is now. Empty nester. It's pitiful. You know, every Shabbat, I light the candles myself. I make the dinner, the whole schmear. I even make dessert. And then, I sit back and watch one of my old movies. You know, even when the kids are home, they can't be bothered.

Knuckles: Hm. I don't understand. This young streetwalker with a heart made of gold. Why do the others treat her with such disdain? Is it so wrong to walk the streets?

Wendy: Because they are ignorant and judgmental, Knuchles. But, you wait. She'll get the last laugh.

[Cut to the television, playing Pretty Woman^W]

Vivian Ward: You work on commission, right?

Salesperson: Ah, yes.

Vivian: Big mistake. Big. Huge! [voiceover] I have to go shopping now!

Wendy: I love her.

[Knuckles smiles back at Wendy, as they both watch the movie. "Pretty Woman" by Roy Orbison fades in.]

[Scene change: Whipple Residence.]

[A group of bounty hunters arrive at the house to capture Wade. They spread out to the house as Wanda is reading a book, Wendy puts the Shabbat candles in the kitchen and Wade sits alone in his room.]

Wade: [to is father's poster] Miss you, dad.

[Suddenly, the lead bounty hunter raids Wade's room, only to it completely empty. He looks around the room. Meanwhile, Wade is hiding behind Zap's cardboard. He gets a menorah comes out of from his hiding pose.]

Wade: Shabbat shalom.

[Wade hits the bounty hunter with the menorah, which does nothing. The bounty hunter then turns and looks at him.]

Wade: Well, that was a bad idea.

[The bounty hunter knocks him down.]

Wade: Ow! Why?

Cattleprod Bounty Hunter: You got a price on your head, Whipple. And I'm here to collect. [activates his cattleprod]

[Wade sees a red light coming closer to the room, and smiles.]

Cattleprod Bounty Hunter: What's so funny?

Wade: Oh, nothing. You just picked a fight with the most dangerous warrior in the galaxy. And I'm his favorite student.

[Knuckles arrives in the room, and the bounty hunter is shocked. Knuckles charges up with chaos energy and punches the hunter straight through the wall, making him fall to the other house.]

Wade: That's gonna affect the resale.

Knuckles: [hears something] We've got company.

[Scene change: Whipple Residence, living room.]

[Wanda sees a bounty hunter equipped with chains entering the room.]

Wanda: [laughs] What the heck are you supposed to be?

Chain Bounty Hunter: Your worst nightmare.

Wanda: Nice chains, bro. You look like you popped out from a 90's video game. Where do I put the quarter?

[The bounty hunter begins to spin his chain.]

Wanda: Smart move, genius You just broke into a house full of cops. You wanna give up now, or you want me to give you about 14 seconds?

Chain Bounty Hunter: Enough! [he whips his chain to Wanda]

Wanda: Aw, crap!

[The bounty hunter tries to hit Wanda, but she crawls behind a chair.]

Wanda: [showing her badge] FBI!

[The bounty hunter destroys the chair, and proceeds to finish off Wanda, until Knuckles arrives and grabs the chain before he could harm her. He then uses his strength swung the bounty hunter around the room, destroying some selves in the process.]

Wanda: [to the bounty hunter] Told you, loser.

[Knuckles gives Wanda the same the "I'm watching you" signal and leaves the room, as Wanda tries to look cool.]

[Scene change: Whipple Residence, kitchen.]

[Wendy is cornered in the kitchen by two bounty hunters holding baseball bats, as she holds a pan to defend herself.]

Wendy: Your move, creeps. [she gets another pan.]

[Knuckles enter the room.]

Knuckles: Mother Whipple.

Wendy: Knuchles. Protect the candles at all costs. [she throws one of her pans to the hunters]

[Knuckles charges to the bounty hunters, as he and Wendy fight them, destroying the kitchen in the process, as "Hava Nagila" plays on the background. They knock out the last bounty hunter and before he falls to the candles... he's grabbed by Wade.]

Wade: Mom! Sorry about the uh... house. [Wendy begins to smile] You okay? Are you happy? Did I miss something?

Wendy: My kids finally came home for Shabbat. The whole family came together. To protect one another, to care for one another. What more could a mother want? Thank you, Knuchles.

[Knuckles nods back.]

Wendy: This... is the best damn Shabbat dinner we ever had. [she kisses both her children] Good Shabbos, sweetie. You too, darling.

Wanda: Thanks, mom.

Wade: Good Shabbos, mom.

[The Whipples and Knuckles watch happily as the Shabbat candles finally burn out. The screen fades to black. "All the Small Things" by Blink-182 plays during the end credits.]

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