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The Biggest Fan (transcript)

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This is the transcript from the Sonic Boom episode, "The Biggest Fan"

[Scene: Village Center, day.]

[Comedy Chimp is on stage, with several people watching him.]
Amy: I still can't believe they asked you to speak at Career Day.
Sonic: And I still can't believe they didn't ask you to speak at "Snide Comment Day".
Comedy Chimp: Great to be here at... [Pulls out a card from behind his back and reads it] Career Day? [Drops and groans, then gets back up confidently] Being a comedian is great. I get to travel all over the island, rub elbows with the cultural elite, and get my face on lunch boxes. Of course, I haven't seen a dime on those stupid things. Remember kids, don't negotiate your own deals.

[Scene: Village Center, day.]

Leroy the Turtle: Have you ever considered a career in the postal arts?

[Scene: Village Center, day.]

Lady Walrus: My advice for Career Day is don't work at all. Simply descend from a long line of wealthy aristocrats. I'm surprised more of you peasants don't try it.

[Scene: Village Center, day.]

Sonic: He had us cornered. All hope was lost. That's when I leapt off the wall with a 360 flip, [Backflips himself] drop kicked his robot minions, and spin-dashed Eggman's Bash-up Bot!
[Sonic kicks and spin jumps on stage. Everyone cheers except for Amy, who looks annoyed and rolls her eyes. Sonic drops the microphone and thanks the fans with a peace sign as he walks off the stage. Suddenly, Mark the Tapir runs up from behind.]
Mark: Oh boy! There he is! Sonic the Hedgehog! [Runs up next to Sonic, smiling]
Sonic: [Glumly] Uh, aren't you a bit old for Career Day?
Mark: I am not a student, actually. I just wanted to meet you. Mark the Tapir. Hi, I'm your biggest fan.
[Mark offers a handshake. Sonic reluctantly accepts the handshake. Mark shakes Sonic's hand in excitement as the handshake goes on.]
Sonic: Yea-- okay. That's enough handshaking.
Mark: Yeah, right, sorry. Hey, seeing that your hand is now free, can I get your autograph?
Sonic: Mm, sure. Got any paper?
[Mark looks around his body to find a piece of paper but to no avail. He grunts.]
Mark: [Grumbles] Forgot the paper. [Slaps his face twice] Stupid, stupid!
Sonic: It's okay, really. Maybe next time.
Mark: Yeah, next time. I'll see you real soon, Sonic. [Grins evilly]

[Scene Change: Meh Burger, day.]

[Sonic takes his tray from Dave the Intern until dramatic music plays as Sonic turns around to see Mark has suddenly appeared in front of him, standing face to face with him.]
Sonic: Wha?!
Mark: Told ya I’d see you real soon! Isn’t that funny? [Laughs] Hey, wanna sit with me?
[Mark puts his tray on a table and offers a seat to Sonic.]
Sonic: Um... I was gonna sit with my buds.
[Mark notices Knuckles, Tails and Amy enjoying their food at their table and glares at them.]
Mark: [Defeated] I totally understand.
[Sonic rushes over to Team Sonic's table and takes a seat. However, a scraping noise is heard. Team Sonic look over and see Mark dragging his table over to join them. He sits with them.]
Sonic: [Uncomfortable] Gang, this is Mark the Tapir, my biggest fan. Mark, this is the gang.
Mark: I can't believe I‘m having lunch with Sonic the Hedgehog! We've even ordered the exact same meal: chili dog, fries and a grape soda!
Sonic: I got an orange soda.
Mark: [Snapping] This is all wrong!
[Mark rushes over to the counter and taps it. ]
Amy: Your friend's a little... intense. It's clear he has an unhealthy attachment to you.
Tails: And you should know...
[Amy growls in anger, Tails hesitates.]
Tails: ...because you took that psychology class.
Sonic: He's just a fan. I've got dozens of them! Of course, he's the first one who doesn't criticize everything I do.
Knuckles: Hmph. If anyone deserves a fan, it's me. Look at this!
[Knuckles spins plates on sticks with each hand. Mark suddenly pops up.]
Mark: Orange soda!
[Knuckles gets distracted by Mark and drops the plates, breaking them. Knuckles mopes.]
Mark: Just like you, Sonic.
Sonic: Actually, we just finished eating.
Mark: Oh, yeah. Me too, me too.
[Mark throws his food in the bin next to him.]
Mark: Great having lunch with ya! Maybe next time I can bake you a pie at my cabin. Door is always open. Except when it’s locked and deadbolted, then nobody gets in. Or out. Well, bye! [Waves and walks off]
Sonic: See? Nice guy!
[The rest of Team Sonic look at each other unsurely.]

[Scene Change: Village Center, day.]

[The villagers are waiting in a long line for their postal packages. Sonic is at the back of the line.]
Sonic: Man, this line is taking forever.
[Mark runs in next to Sonic.]
Mark: Oh! Hey, Sonic. Why are you standing in line? You're way too important to waste your precious time waiting alongside the, um, [Clears throat] unwashed masses.
[The villagers react in shock.]
Mark: What you need is a personal assistant. I can take care of all the mundane grunt work, leaving you free to do the kind of heroic stuff heroes do.
Sonic: Okay. You're hired. First order of business: you mundanely stand in line while I heroically get a chili dog.
[Sonic rushes off to get a chili dog. Mark barges his way to the front of the line.]
Mark: Out of the way. Excuse me. Package from someone who actually matters coming through. [Puts the package on the desk.] I'd like to mail this package. It's for Sonic the Hedgehog. I'm his personal assistant.
[Leroy checks the weight of the package.]
Leroy: You will have to buy one more stamp.
Mark: This is my first job as Sonic's assistant and I messed it up! I mess everything up!
Sonic: [Off-screen] Hey, Mark?
Mark: [Panicking] He's coming! [Whispering] Pretend nothing's wrong.
Leroy: [Unconvincingly] Nothing is wrong.
Mark: Nice try, but you need to be much more convincing.
[Sonic returns with a chili dog.]
Sonic: Did you mail the package?
Mark: Sonic! [Hesitating] A little snafu. [Slowly] Your package needs another stamp.
Sonic: No prob. I'm gonna go eat my chili dog. You finish up here. [Flicks a coin onto the counter.]
Mark: [Breathes a sigh of relief] That was close.
[Leroy grumpily takes the coin and stamps the package. Mark runs over to Sonic, who is in the middle of eating his chili dog.]
Mark: All taken care of, boss.
Sonic: Mark, I got a feeling this is the start of a wonderful assistantship.

[Scene Change: Village Center, day.]

[Sonic and Mark walk through the clothes shop. Mark holds a brown scarf in front of Sonic‘s neck that looks completely identical to the one he is wearing.]
Mark: That is so you!
[Sonic smiles.]

[Scene Change: Outside Sonic's Shack, day.]

[Mark is cooking hot dogs on a barbecue grill while Sonic is relaxing on a sunbed.]

[Scene Change: Inside Sonic's Shack, day.]

[Mark shows Sonic a portrait of Sonic (with peach arms).]
Mark: It's almost done. I just gotta finish the arms.

[Scene Change: Seaside Island, day.]

[Sonic and Knuckles are battling Charlie and his mech suit. Sonic tries a Homing Attack but the mech suit blocks it. Mark runs up next to Sonic.]
Mark: OK. You got this, champ. Just need to replenish those electrolytes. [Feeds Sonic a drink.]
Knuckles: What about me? Do I get electrolytes? Pretty sure I should have electrolytes.
Mark: Now as for strategy, might I suggest an inverted Spin Dash? And focus your attacks on the mech's vulnerable hamstrings.
Sonic: Nice.
[Sonic rushes towards the mech and Spin Dashes the mech's hamstrings, leaving it limping.]
Charlie: My vulnerable hamstrings! [Limps away in his mech suit]
Sonic: Great job, Mark!
Mark: Couldn't have done it without you.
[Sonic and Mark give each other a high-five. Knuckles looks away in disgust.]

[Scene Change: Sonic's Shack, day.]

[Mark is giving Sonic a massage.]
Sonic: Oh yeah, ohh... You sir, are an artist with your elbow.
[Suddenly Taiks and Knuckles arrive in Sonic's Shack.]
Tails: Hey Sonic. We got tickets to see "Captain Garbage 3: Secret of the Garbage". Want to come with?
Knuckles: It's supposed to answer all the questions from "Captain Garbage 2"!
Sonic: Finally! I'm in!
[Team Sonic walk out of Sonic's Shack, but Mark holds Sonic back.]
Mark: Wait! I'm supposed to interview you tonight for your memoirs.
Sonic: We'll do it another time.
Mark: But-but-but... We should at least finalize the cover. [Holds up a black and white picture of Sonic wearing a turtleneck sweater.] They can go on ahead. I'll give you a lift after we're done.
Sonic: [To Team Sonic] I'll meet you guys at the theater.

[Scene Change: Sonic's Shack, day.]

[Mark drives his motorbike with Sonic sitting in the sidecar.]
Sonic: You know, we've been spending a lot of time together. You should take the rest of the day off.
Mark: Hah! No way! I want to spend all my time with you. [Slowly and evilly] And I know just how to do it.
[Mark speeds up his motorbike and deliberately crashes it into a rock, Sonic screaming before he gets hit. The screen goes black.]

[Scene Change: Mark's cabin, day.]

[The camera points to Sonic's eyes. He opens them, looking at a ceiling fan with blue blades that resemble his quills. He then notices several photos of himself and a cardboard standup of himself. He then notices Mark, who is giving him a creepy smile. The camera then shows that Sonic is in bed and in a body cast.]
Sonic: Wha?
Mark: [Holding a bowl of soup] We were in a terrible accident that wasn't intentional because it was an accident. I'm nursing you back to health! Open up! Choo, choo! Here comes the spoon of soup! [Feeds a spoonful to Sonic]
Sonic: [Gulping] Shouldn't I see a doctor?
Mark: Oh, aren't we cross today? Maybe some pie will sweeten your mood. Choo, choo! Here comes the pie! [Feeds the spoonful of pie to Sonic.]

[Scene Change: Outside the movie theater, day.]

[Tails, Knuckles, Amy and the other villagers are leaving the movie theater.]
Knuckles: [Sniffles] Who would've thought the secret of the garbage was [Turns to Amy] love?
Amy: I can't believe Sonic missed it, [Presses a button on her Communicator] and he is not answering his Communicator. Maybe Mark knows where he is.

[Scene Change: Mark's cabin, day.]

Mark: Let's act out my Sonic fanfiction. I'll pick something family-friendly. [Turns a page over] Oh, not that one... [Turns another page over] Oh, definitely not that one... [Turns another page over] No, not that one. Oh! Here we go! [Laughs] I'll play the role of Sonic. You can be Tails.
[Sonic groans as Mark puts on a Sonic costume. Mark then hands the Tails costume over to Sonic and puts it on Sonic's head.]
Sonic: Uh, wouldn't it make more sense if I was Sonic?
Mark: Quiet, Tails! [Clears his throat and looks at the script] Hmm... Look, it's Eggman! I shall sunder his evil plans with swift alacrity.
Sonic: I'd never say that.
Mark: No you wouldn't, [Slowly] Tails. [A ping is heard in the background] Oh! My pies are done!
[Mark runs off with his arms in front of him. Sonic, struggling to move his body cast, gets out of bed. He bumps into a shelf which knocks some pictures down. Sonic gasps.]
Mark: [Off-screen] What was that?!
Sonic: No-no-no-no-no!
[Panicking, Sonic quickly sets up the pictures and moves back into bed. Upon returning, Mark stares at Sonic, who has a nervous smile on his face. Mark then discovers that one of the pictures has been moved.]
Mark: The last picture always faces north-east. This is facing north north-east. [Shaking in anger] You tried to escape!
Sonic: Escape?! No, no no. I-I was just searching for more of that fan fiction of yours. [Reads the script] Whooh! SonAmy. Spicy.
Mark: Yeah, I don't really care for that, but it seems to be obligatory in the genre. Well, time for more pie! But since you've been naughty, you'll have to eat it off one of my collectible plates.
Sonic: But collectible plates aren't food-safe. [Screaming, scaring the birds outside the cabin away] They aren't food-safe!

[Scene Change: Outside Mark's cabin, day.]

[Tails, Knuckles and Amy enter the site of Mark's cabin.]
Knuckles: Are you sure this is Mark's place?
[The camera reveals the front door has two hedge sculptures of Sonic next to it.]
Amy: [Sarcastically] I don't know. Call it a hunch.
[Amy knocks on the door. Mark opens it.]
Tails: Do you know where Sonic is?
Mark: Hmm... Sonic, Sonic, Sonic... A blue guy, runs fast? Nope, haven't seen him.
[Screaming is heard inside the cabin. Mark panics as the rest of Team Sonic show their suspicions.]
Mark: [Nervous] That's my Sonic's-muffled-scream oven timer. Gotta go! [Waves and slams the door]
Amy: We've gotta get into that cabin!
[The rest of Team Sonic walk around the side of the cabin. However, Amy steps on a rope which sends a log swinging down from above. The screen goes black as it hits Team Sonic.]

[Scene Change: Inside Mark's Cabin, day.]

[The members of Team Sonic are all sitting in bed while wearing body cast suits.]
Tails: What's going on?
Mark: Quiet Tails! You were all injured by a cleverly designed booby-trap that I had nothing to do with. But don't worry. I am here to take care of you now... [Hears a ping] Ooh! More pie for my new friends! [Runs and slams the door]
Sonic: Sorry for not trusting you about Mark. We need to take him out.
Tails: But we're all injured and stuck in these body casts.
Sonic: True, but there's one of him and four of us.
[Mark opens the door while carrying an overfilled tray of pies. Team Sonic are off their beds.]
Sonic: You're going down, Mark!
[Team Sonic, struggling in their body casts, move towards Mark. Knuckles tries to punch but spins and collides with Amy, who knocks a few pictures off their shelf. Tails tries to fly in his body cast, but he loses control as well and collides into a wall. Sonic angrily glares at Mark, who drops his tray of pies. Mark throws the pies at Sonic. Sonic dodges them and somersaults his way to Mark. He steps on the pies, squirting Mark in the face. Marks responds angrily to Sonic, who grins back at him. Knuckles slides in and collides with Sonic. Sonic falls on his back, breaking the cast on his legs.]
Sonic: [Nervous] Oh no. My fragile broken... [Normally] Wait a minute. My legs are fine. [Tries to break free of the body cast] Ooh... come on! [He spin jumps and breaks free of the body cast.] Ha ha!
[Sonic spin attacks Amy and Tails' body casts, breaking them free. Knuckles breaks his body cast as well. Team Sonic angrily confront Mark. Sonic picks up some sports tape and ties it around Mark.]
Amy: You always overdo it with the sports tape.
Mark: I can't believe I'm being defeated by Sonic the Hedgehog. [Ascending] This is the greatest day of my life!
Sonic: Mark, if it's not already clear, you're fired.

[Scene Change: Village Center, day.]

Tails: Man. That was a nightmare.
Sonic: At least I learned to keep a healthy relationship with my fans.
Beth the Shrew: [Running in] Can I have your autograph, mister?
[Sonic panics and runs away. The rest of Team Sonic laugh at each other as the screen fades to black.]