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Late Night Wars/Transcript

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This is the transcript for the Sonic Boom episode 'Late Night Wars'.

[Scene: Village center, day.]

Comedy Chimp: Here you go kid.
[Comedy Chimp hands over a younger-looking portrait of himself.]
Stratford: Is this your grandson?
Wolf Sidekick: Zing!
Child Monkey: I've seen newer pictures on a cave wall!
Wolf Sidekick: Zang!
Comedy Chimp: Cut it you obsequious hack.
Stratford: This isn't even you! This guy is young and healthy.
Child Monkey: And he still has that sparkle of hope in his eyes!
Comedy Chimp: (Sighs) I need some new headshots.

[Cuts to next scene.]

Diane Aardvark: Oh yeah, work it, C.C, you still got it baby!
[Diane Aardvark and Gunther are taking pictures of Comedy Chimp.]
Diane Aardvark: C'mon, give me pouty... Now give me tiger, roar!
[Comedy Chimp pretends to be a tiger.]
Diane Aardvark: Who's a funny monkey?
Tails: Wow. I've never seen a professional photo shoot before!
Diane Aardvark: Now roll over and play dead baby!
[Comedy Chimp rolls on the floor and smiles at the camera.]
Amy: (To Tails) Pretty sure you still haven't.
[Knuckles looks to his left and spots a bucket.]
Knuckles: Hello! What have we here?
[Knuckles walks over and picks up the bucket. He shakes and bangs it a few times to check if anything is inside. Then he puts it on his head and grins. Knuckles ends up getting caught in the camera as he walked across.]
Diane Aardvark: (Gasps) He's a waif, the orphan of our times, a lost child oblivious to the never ending sea of despair.... How poetic!
Comedy Chimp: Hey Dollface. Show's over here!
[Diane Aardvark continues taking photographs of Knuckles.]

[Cuts to next scene. Some newspapers are thrown on the floor with an image of Knuckles on it.]

Amy: Hey Knux, you're famous!
Knuckles: Cool! Who's the doofus with the trashcan on his head?
Wolfie: Is that the guy from the newspaper?
Lady Goat: I don't know. He doesn't look like he has a trashcan on his head.
Walrus Male: He is the guy that's in the picture.
[The three of them run over towards Knuckles.]
Wolfie: Hey Trash Can Head Guy, sign my newspaper!
Lady Goat: Mine too!
Walrus Male: My standards for celebrity are quite low.
[Knuckles smiles.]

[Scene change: Sonic's Shack, night]

[Knuckles, Sonic and Amy are watching a show on their TV.]
Comedy Chimp: Hey Wolfie, get a load of this guy! If this fashion trend catches on, I'm gonna start throwing trash in my hat!
Wolf Sidekick: You sir are the master of fighting social commentry!
Sonic: Wow Knuckles. You're really embracing this whole trashcan head thing.
Knuckles: Yep! You know what people say when they see me wearing this?
Amy: I weep for the future of our kind?
Knuckles: Yeah, some of them. But most people think it looks wicked cool!

Scene change: Village, day]

[Knuckles exaggerates his walk as music plays. Several Villagers welcome Knuckles; waving at him and pointing at him. Stratford walks over and gives him a spare trashcan. Knuckles punches it to create dents and to make it more identical to his. The kid smiles and places the can on his head. Suddenly, there is a whole line of villagers waiting to get their trashcans dented.]
Knuckles: Huh?

[Scene change: Village, night]

[Knuckles is seen walking up to building, as several other villagers watch. Salty is the doorman. He lets Knuckles in, and the rest of Team Sonic follow, but are blocked from entering by Salty. Knuckles gestures at them signifying they are allowed. They walk in.]
[Scene change: Village center, day]
[Knuckles is walking through the village with Perci and Staci next to him. Soar the Eagle tries to get an interview with Knuckles, however, Knuckles gets agitated and ends up covering the camera. Cuts to next scene.]

[Scene change: Comedy Chimp's studio]

Comedy Chimp: That's our show. I'd like to thank the comedy chimp players and our new musical guest, Justin Beaver. Good night everyone!
Wild Cat: Mr. Chimp! Someone is trying to blackmail you. They just dropped off these horribly embarrassing photos!
[Comedy Chimp grabs the photographs.]
Comedy Chimp: Those are my new publicity shots, you bonehead! (Sighs), You can carry groceries in those bags under my eyes. Write that down. I'll use it next time the Mayor's on the show.
[Wild Cat makes a note.]
Wolf Sidekick: Those aren't wrinkles, they're laugh lines! Gives you character, (Laughs).
Comedy Chimp: What do you know about character? You've been doing the same shtick for twenty years!
Wolf Sidekick: Zing!
Comedy Chimp: Yes, I have to give in to nature. All natural cosmetic facial youth of vacation - Daddy's getting a new punim!

[Scene change: Village, day]

[Knuckles is Signing a comic book featuring him for Stratford. Child Monkey is in line behind him. Suddenly, Eggman bursts in, shoving them both aside.]
Dr. Eggman: Move it, losers, evil genus coming through!
Knuckles: Eggman! What do you want?
Dr. Eggman: First, I want to say I'm a huge fan, and I have something to offer you.
Knuckles: Is it a magic boot that you rub, and a genie comes out and grants you wishes, and all I have to do is give you all my money? If so, I'm in! [Annoyed] The last one you sold me didn't work!
Dr. Eggman: I want to be your sponsor, and all you have to do is put the Eggman Industries logo on your trash can! [Holds up a sticker of the Eggman Industries logo.]
Knuckles: [Angry] No! You think my trash can is for sale?! It is not, sir! I have integrity, I will not sell out!
Dave the Intern: [Holds out a sticker of Meh Burger's logo] 10% off all your Meh Burger purchase's if you slap this sticker on that head-trash thing.
Knuckles: Done and done! [Grabs the sticker, and puts it on his trash can.] Give me fifteen Meh Burgers!
[Dave holds up a tray full of Meh Burgers. Knuckles starts eating them one-by one.]

[Scene change: Comedy Chimp's studio, night.]

Comedy Chimp: This is it, wolfie. Last show before my big surgery.
Wolf Sidekick: Hey, I was wondering, while you're gone, who's gonna replace 'ya? I mean, not that anybody could ever replace you, but if you don't have anyone in mind, I'd like to throw my hat in the- [Soar the Eagle appears, interrupting him.]
Soar the Eagle: Just want you to know, your show will be in good hands while you're off getting your face overhauled, C.C! And don't worry, when they ask me to take over full-time, I'll probably say no! [He chuckles, then leaves the studio.]
Comedy Chimp: Heh. It'll be great. [Angry] Too great! The viewers will love him,and I'll wind up laying in the yuck-yuck hut in Gogoba Village! I need to find a guest host that no one will take seriously! A flash in the pan, a talentless hack! [Wolf Sidekick points towards himself.] No, I have a worse idea....
[Later, Knuckles is seen on the set, with a distraught expression on his face.]
Wolf Sidekick: [Holds up a sign with a joke written on it.] Let's try those monologue jokes again. [Angry] Just read what's on the cards here!
Knuckles: Okay, here goes.... So, the mayor's in the news again, did you hear about this? [Stops abruptly.] What's so funny about that?
Wolf Sidekick: [Annoyed] You have to read the rest of the joke.
Knuckles: Ohhh... How come?
Wild Cat: [Walks in.] There's a mister "the Hedgehog" here to see you.
Knuckles: Doesn't ring a bell.
Sonic: Hey Knux!
Knuckles: Hey, did you hear the Mayor's in the news again? [Pounds his fists on the table.] Ba-dum ching!
Wolf Sidekick: [Angry] You didn't finish the joke!
Sonic: We're all stowed for you, but are you up for this? I'm not sure wearing a bucket on your head qualifies you to host a TV show.
Knuckles: First of all, it's not a bucket, it a trash can. Secondly, it's not a trash can, it's a fashion statement. Fourth, you're just jealous that I finally found my calling as a fashion designer/model/TV host.
Sonic: I just don't want you to embarrass yourself.
Knuckles: I'm disappointed in you, Sonic. In you, and the mayor. Now, if you'll excuse me, the jokes don't read themselves!
Sonic: ....This isn't gonna end well...

[Scene change: Sonic's Shack, night]

[The rest of Team Sonic are watching the show.]
Knuckles: Welcome to the Comedy Chimp Show! I'm your guest host, Trash Can Head Guy! Say, wolf?
Wolf Sidekick: What is it, O great one?
Knuckles: Knock Knock!
Wolf Sidekick: Who's there?
Knuckles: The mayor!
Wolf Sidekick: Uhh... The mayor who?
Knuckles: The mayor's in the news again! [Knuckles poses but soon looks embarrassed.]
Sonic: This is painful...
Knuckles: Oh, here's a good one! What do you call a duck with a- Wait no, that's a- What the difference between a duck and a- Wait, maybe it's not a duck.
Amy: Can we turn this off now?
Knuckles: Now lemmie see those cue cards- [Knuckles stumbles, knocking into the camera twice, and tripping over the stand. laughter is heard.]
Wolf Sidekick: Zing! You sir, are the master of slapstick tomfoolery!
[Knuckles gets up, but the trashcan is over his eyes. He runs about aimlessly, knocking into Wolf Sidekick. More laughter is heard. The rest of team Sonic look on in amazement.]

[Scene change: Outside Comedy Chimp's studio, day.]

[Comedy Chimp walks up to his studio, whistling a tune. He tries the door, but finds his key doesn't work. Wolf Sidekick walks up.]
Comedy Chimp: Wolfie, my key doesn't work anymore!
Wolf Sidekick: You are correct, sir, locks got changed, networks taking the show in a new direction, sooo...
Comedy Chimp: What new direction?
Wolf Sidekick: More.... I dunno, is "Trashcanny" a word?
[Knuckles walks up, followed by several other villagers, each one sporting a trash can on their head.]
Wolf Sidekick: Wait up, T.C.H.G! [Unlocks the door using his key, and holds it wide open for Knuckles. Comedy Chimp does not look happy. As soon as Knuckles walks trough, Wolf Sidekick quickly runs inside and shuts the door, leaving Comedy Chimp alone outside.]
Comedy Chimp: [Depressed] Hello Yuck-Yuck Hut. [Perks up.] Unless....

[Scene change: Eggman's Lair, day.]

[Comedy Chimp is shown talking with Eggman.]
Dr. Eggman: Help you get rid of Knuckles as host, eh? And what's in it for me?
Comedy Chimp: You get to sponsor the first ever live broadcast of a robot attack!
Dr. Eggman: I'm listening....
Comedy Chimp: Imagine: A brutal horrendous siege with robots, missiles, and the Eggman Industries logo on every bit of it!
Dr. Eggman: Could you repeat that last part? I wasn't listening.
Comedy Chimp: If you sponsor the attack, you'll also be the show sponsor from now on.
Dr. Eggman: Deal!

[Scene change: Comedy Chimp's studio.]

[Knuckles trips over the stand, and lands on the couch. Laughter is heard.]
Sonic: [Watching it on TV with Amy, Sticks, and Tails.] I gotta admit, this is pretty funny!

[Scene change: Outside Comedy Chimp's studio, night.]

[Dr. Eggman, Comedy Chimp, and an army of Badniks (Each with the Eggman Industries logo stuck on them.) charge towards the studio.]
Dr. Eggman: Fire Missiles! [Looks at the viewers.] Brought to you by Eggman Industries! [A Motobug with a missile attachment on it launches one at the studio. It explodes, creating a hole in the wall. Knuckles (With the trash can over his eyes.) and Tommy Thunder look at the hole.]
Knuckles: Uhh... What was that?
Eggman: [Sticks his head through the hole, and looks at the viewers again.] This hole in the wall was made possible by Eggman Industries!
Sonic: [Watching it on TV with Amy, Sticks, and Tails.] Eggman's attacking the studio! We gotta get down there and help Knuckles! [Everyone except Sticks runs off.]
Sticks: Wait! I wanna see what happens next!
[Knuckles is seen inside the studio, talking to Tommy Thunder.]
Knuckles: ...your new action movie is supposed to set a new standard for incredible effects. Let's roll a clip, shall we? [A laser flies through the wall, barely missing Tommy Thunder. Several more lasers follow after it.] Amazing, it's like it's really happening!
[Burnbot breaks through the wall, followed by Dr. Eggman.]
Eggman: [Looks at the viewers.] Need a wall shattered? Call Eggman Industries!
[The rest of Team Sonic run towards the studio, and start fighting the Badnik army. Sonic dashes towards the studio, but is blocked by Comedy Chimp.]
Comedy Chimp: This battle is sponsored by Eggman Industries. You have to wear this!
[Holds up a hat with the logo of Eggman Industries on it.]
Sonic:Yeah...I don't wear the logo of the losing team. You don't have any Sonic hats in there, do ya?
[Knuckles is inside the studio. Tommy Thunder is hiding behind the couch, (Which now has several holes in it.) when Sticks crashes into Kunckles.]
Knuckles: Sticks, you came to my show! Cool!
Sticks: Eggman is attacking! We need your help!
Knuckles: [To the viewers] I'll be right back after this! [Knuckles and Sticks both run through the hole in the wall. As soon as they leave, Wolf Sidekick walks up to the stand.]
Wolf Sidekick: So the mayor's back on the news, did you hear this? [Laughs] It seems that he- [A stage light falls, landing on Wolf sidekick. An error screen is briefly shown.]
[Team Sonic is shown outside, fighting the Badniks. Knuckles clobbers a Motobug with his trash can.]
Sonic: Good to have you back, Knux!
Knuckles: Good to be back, you guys! And if I ever get carried away by my ego again-
Amy: -don't worry, we'll let you know.
Knuckles: No, I was gonna say "Make sure I get a better show."
Eggman: [Angry] Engage Mega Stomp Bot - New from Eggman Industries! On my mark! 3...2 [Knuckles covers Egggman's head with his trash can. Eggman tries to pull it off, to no avail. He blindly stumbles away, followed by the remaining Badniks.]
Comedy Chimp: [Looks at the damaged studio.] What have I done? [Happy] Oh yeah, I got my show back. [Wolf Sidekick is shown on the stand. Comedy Chimp rushes in and hurls him off the set.]
Wolf Sidekick: Hey!
Comedy Chimp: [Cheering is heard.] Thank you, thank you, we're gonna keep things moving along, but first I want to thank our new sponsor: Eggman Industries, makers of the Kitty Funball! [Comedy Chimp Pulls out a box, opens it, and takes out a black-colored ball which is making a ticking sound. He looks at the viewers.] Uh, this is not good... [The ball explodes. Another error screen is shown.]