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Knine-To-Five Knuckles (transcript)

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This is the transcript of the Sonic Boom episode, "Knine-to-Five Knuckles".

[Scene: The Comedy Chimp Show.]

[A DJ plays with the turntables on stage. Applause plays in the background.]
Comedy Chimp: Wow! That was great! Or at least I assume it was. It was all just noise to me. And now, we reached out to the good people at Stuff Mart to give away free big screen TVs to our entire studio audience!
[Some of the audience members cheer.]
Comedy Chimp: Unfortunately, they declined. [Audience groans] But we did spring for a prize to one of you. [Stands up] So check under your seats, to see if you're the lucky winner.
Tails: Oh man, nothing.
Sticks: Bubkes.
Knuckles: [Holds a tall lamp] I found this crummy lamp. We can use it to look for the prize.
Sonic: I think the lamp is the prize, Knuckles.
Knuckles: [Aloud] I won! Hey, everybody! Check out my sweet lamp!
Comedy Chimp: A lamp, really? I guess the rest of the prize budget went to my ex-wife's lawyer.
[The audience laughs.]
Comedy Chimp: [Annoyed] That wasn't a joke.

[Scene: Outside the Comedy Chimp Show, night.]

Knuckles: So, where do you guys want to take my lamp party next?
Sonic: [Yawns] Actually, Knuckles. A little tired. I'm gonna head home.
Amy: Yeah.
Tails: Me, too.
Sticks: I haven't slept in 28 days.
[The gang, except Knuckles, walk away]
Knuckles: Home, huh? Oh! Would be the perfect place to plug in my sport lamp. Where can I find one of those?
Barker: [Cutting in] I couldn't help but overhear your predicament. I just happen to be an unlicensed real estate agent. I can find your dream house... for a nominal fee, of course.
Knuckles: [Angrily] What, do you think I was born yesterday?! [Normally] Cuz if so, this is a great belated birthday gift!

[Scene Change: Knuckles' house, night.]

[Barker and Knuckles enter the house holding their flashlights.]
Barker: Breathtaking isn't it?
[The flashlights point to a rat running away from the building. It then looks up to a moon visible through a hole in the ceiling.]
Knuckles: There's a hole in the ceiling.
Barker: We call that a sunroof.
Knuckles: But, what if it rains?
Barker: Instant waterfall! You like nature, right?
Knuckles: That's what it says in my character description. We'll take it! [Holds out a couple of bottlecaps and broken seashells in his hand] Do you accept bottlecaps and broken seashells as payment?
Barker: [Hesitating] Ewww... I mean, [Slowly] good news! [Displaying the contract] You've just been pre-qualified for a line of credit!
[He puts the contract down on the table. Knuckles signs several pages of the contract to Barker's orders.]
Barker: I just need your initial here, here and here and inside the line here... And again here and certificate here and we're done... as soon as you sign here and in this spot here and here. Congratulations! Let me give you your keys. [Hands Knuckles a butter knife] You just need to jimmy the lock a bit.
[Knuckles takes the knife and Barker walks away.]
Knuckles: Home sweet home! Now, [Sexily] I have to get my light on.
[Knuckles plugs the lamp into the socket. It doesn't turn on.]
Knuckles: [To the lamp] Hmm... Maybe it takes a while to warm up.
[The screen fades to black.]

[Scene Change: Knuckles' house, day.]

[Knuckles continues waiting in daylight, but the light still doesn't come on. Sonic opens the door and the rest of the gang arrive]
Sonic: [Grunts] We got your distress signal! What's wrong?
Knuckles: My lamp isn't working!
[Team Sonic appear glum.]
Tails: When you pay your electric bill, this lamp will work just fine.
Amy: Though truthfully, this place probably looks better with the light off.
Knuckles: [Thinking] Bills, eh? How am I supposed to pay those?
[Planks of wood fall off the building and crash into the ground.]

[Scene Change: The library.]

Knuckles: I'm here to apply for a job. I have a real passion for li-berries... and all berries for that matter.
Fastidious Beaver: Actually, it's pronounced "libr-air-ies".
Knuckles: [Hesitant] No I'm pretty sure you're wrong.
Fastidious Beaver: Shall we consult with a dictionary?
Knuckles: Oh, I can't read.

[Scene Change: Unnamed Village, food store.]

Male Fennec: People buy things. I need someone to box those things. Can you handle putting stuff in boxes?
Knuckles: Sounds pretty complicated.
[Knuckles carefully and nervously puts the bottle into Male Fennec's box. Male Fennec nods unconvincingly. He then puts all the food from the table into the box. It overloads, so he pushes the food down as hard as possible.]
Knuckles: [Straining] It doesn't... [Grunts] crush... these... eggs! [Grunts]
[The box breaks. While Mike appears shocked, Knuckles grins nervously.]
Diane Aardvark: Who did this?!
Knuckles: [Ashamed] It was me. I'll clean it up.
Diane: Don't you dare! Such barrage in millitude! It's so outside the box! We could use a creative type like you in my ad agency. Come work for me.
Knuckles: I'm in! I could never work in a place like this. [Angrily to Male Fennec] Your store is a mess, sir!

[Scene Change: The meeting room.]

[Knuckles brings his suitcase in and waves to the ad agency.]
Knuckles: Hello! I'm here for the business.
Gunther: Who let the vagrant in?
Diane: Gunther! Pierre! [Puts her hand on Knuckles' shoulder.] Meet Knuckles, our new creative executive.
Gunther: [Angrilly pulls Diane away] Creative executive?! But, Diane, his briefcase is filled with the chicken fingers!
[Knuckles loudly munches away his meal of chicken fingers.]
Diane: [Sternly to Gunther] He's exploring new ways to package, carry and consume breaded chicken products. [Sassily] I don't see you revolutionizing the chicken finger industry!

[Scene Change: Unnamed Village.]

[Knuckles walks off miserably. The rest of Team Sonic arrive and meet him.]
Sonic: Knuckles, you just missed the most epic Eggman battle!
Tails: It was the perfect blend of new minions and classic favorites from years past!
Sticks: Easily the most action-packed battle we've ever had. [To the viewers] And you missed it. That's what you get for following Knuckles around!
Knuckles: [To Tails] Aw, man... [To the gang firmly] No. I'm a working echidna now! I've got a 9-to-5 desk job! Anyone who would rather watch that than an epic battle can come with me!

[Scene Change: The meeting room.]

[Knuckles is seen bored with one hand on his head. He is drawing characters from several pieces of paper. Diane walks in.]
Diane: Knuckles, excellent job in the meat pellet account. [Hands Knuckles a paycheck] You'll notice a bonus on your paycheck.
Gunther: But I did all the work on the meat pellet account!
Diane: Great job delegating, Knuckles!
Gunther: [Clenches his fist in anger] Knuckllllles!

[Scene Change: Knuckles' house]

[Knuckles kicks the door wide open and walks in to find Barker and his two Stunt Bears.]
Barker: So... Where's my money?
[A Stunt Bear takes the paycheck from him and gives it to Barker.]
Barker: [Taking and reading the contract] You seem to be a little short.
Knuckles: That's not what the fans say.
Barker: I would hate to have to foreclose on this house... and any lamps therein.
Knuckles: [Panicking] No! I'll pay! I'll promise! Just don't hurt the lamp!
Barker: Next week... And there'll be a lot more! Or else...
Knuckles: How am I gonna get more money?

[Scene Change: Meh Burger.]

Dave the Intern: [Reading a book] Welcome, new employee's name here, to Meh Burger where the customer's always... That's gotta be a misprint. [Puts the book down] Let's get something straight right now, greenhorn! I'm junior shift manager around here, and that means you do my bidding! [Hands Knuckles a mop] Now mop up what I hope is just a chunky milkshake. [Knuckles takes the mop]
[A Montage plays. He is then seen cleaning up more mess with the mop. Bored, he is then seen inside the Meeting room drawing characters on pieces of paper. However, he grunts, crumples it and chucks it behind him. A Stunt Bear takes the paycheck from Knuckles. Just before he puts a tray down to Lady Walrus' table, Chumley hits his head with a crumpled piece of paper. Knuckles watches Sonic attack a Motobug and groans. Then, he falls over as he walks into the house. Barker sneaks in and snatches the paycheck away from Knuckles' hand. A miserable Knuckles walks away. The rest of the gang arrive at the scene and talk to him.]
Sticks: Knuckles, you look awful, like you were run over by the ugly truck.
Amy: I think what Sticks is trying to say is you can't keep working two full-time jobs. You gotta quit one of them.
Sticks: No. What I was trying to say is the guy who drives the ugly truck should lose his license.
Knuckles: I guess I could leave Meh Burger.
Sonic: I knew you could quit if you put your mind to it.
[The Stunt Bears cross their arms along with T.W. Barker.]

[Scene Change: The meeting room, evening.]

Diane: The work we did today is gonna really make a difference... in convincing people to buy stuff they don't want or need. How about we'll go all out and celebrate!
Knuckles: Actually, I have other plans. Real ones. Not... fake ones that I'm... making up. See you guys tomorrow!
[Knuckles leaves the room. Holding a case, he runs beside a tree and sees the Eggmobile swoop past him.]
Dr. Eggman: [Laughs] Just try and stop me, you spiny blue squirrel!
[Knuckles notices the rest of the gang arriving. He takes off his uniform.]
Sonic: Knuckles, good! You're off work!
Knuckles: Oh, right. Off work. Sure!
[Sonic spin attacks a Scorpion Bot. Sticks and Amy stop a Crab Bot with a bat and Hammer respectively while Knuckles punches another Scorpion Bot. Dave checks his watch.]
Knuckles: Oh no!... It knocked me over this way...
[Knuckles spins, faking dizziness. He spins over to Dave.]
Dave: One minute late. That's coming outta your pay.
[He runs over to Leroy.]
Knuckles: Welcome to Meh Burger. [Panics] Aaah!
[Diane walks into Meh Burger with Pierre and Gunther. Knuckles panics and runs to them.]
Diane: Knuckles! You decided to join us after all.
Knuckles: [Offers a handshake] Er... yeah! Here, I saved you a seat. [Puts his finger up] Wow... look at that sunrise!
[Knuckles runs over to the queue with Lady Goat and Wild Cat now joining Leroy and waiting impatiently.]
Knuckles: Sorry! I'm ready to take your order now.
[Knuckles looks in the distance and sees Amy held by a Crab Bot's pincer. He panics, runs his way there and attacks the Crab Bot. The attack tosses Amy up into the air. He catches Amy and holds her in his arms.]
Amy: Thanks, Knuckles. I thought I was a goner. You know, in times like these you really start to gain perspective on what's important--
Knuckles: [Panicking] --Yeah, yeah. Sound life-chaning. Gotta go!
[A stressed Knuckles runs over to Meh Burger and starts cleaning.]
Diane: Why are you mopping? Are you focus-testing a new mop product on the most disgusting floor imaginable?
[Knuckles takes his uniform off.]
Knuckles: Uh... yes.
Diane: Brilliant! Report your finding to me tomorrow. But for now, join us. [Snapping] And where are our French fries?!
[Knuckles miserably shrugs his shoulder and is about to clean. Suddenly, he sees smoke coming from the fryer and panics.]
Knuckles: Huh? Whaah!
[Knuckles jumps over a fence and tosses fries into two takeaway boxes. Suddenly, he screams in stress.]
Knuckles: Argh!
[Knuckles gives the takeaway meal to Eggman.]
Knuckles: Here you go, sir. Now, excuse me. I need to go help out that battle.
Dr. Eggman: [Annoyed] What the? Can I at least have some ketchup?!
[Eggman screams as Sonic Homing Attacks him. The Eggmobile falls in the hole. Knuckles tosses Gunther off his chair into a cup display, knocking the cups over and hurting him.]
Knuckles: Take that, you egg-shaped fiend!
Diane: [Gasps] Did you just attack Gunther?!
Dave: [Gasps] Did you just knock over a display of cups?! [Diane and Pierre stare at ] Oh, yeah, and assault a customer I guess.
Knuckles: Oops. Sorry.
Diane and Dave: You're fired!
[The rest of the gang arrive.]
Amy: I thought you said you were gonna quit one of your jobs!
Knuckles: And I thought you said I was gonna quit one of my jobs! [Chuckles] The old Knuckles switcheroo right back at ya!

[Scene Change: Knuckles' house, night.]

[Team Sonic walk inside the building]
Sonic: Why didn't you just tell us that you were being strong-armed by Barker?
Barker: [Offering the contract] Because of the non-disclosure clause on the contract he signed of which he is now in violation.
[Amy snatches the contract. She reads it out loud]
Amy: Let me see that! These times are ridiculous. Banana-ganza? Roffle-copter? Dinkle-flaps? Also, the details on this contract are quite unfavorable to Knuckles.
Barker: Hey. A deal is a deal.
Amy: Oh yeah? [Slaps the contract on his chest] Well, let me make YOU a deal, bozo. I'm gonna be watching you. People think I am the cute one. The girly one. Oh, sweet little adorable Amy Rose, wonder what kind of cake she's baking today? I blend in buddy, [Sternly] but I carry a BIG hammer, and I never forget! [Startling music plays]
Tails: Whoa, Amy! Take it easy!
Amy: Do you know what I do to my enemies? I CRUSH them, and I eat them for breakfast, even when I already ate breakfast AND brunch! [Angrily] So do NOT push me, and DON'T mess with my friends!
[Dramatic music plays as Amy threatens to attack, but Sonic and Sticks restrain her.]
Barker: [Scared] Fine! You're outta your contract! Just keep that pink nutjob away from me!
[Barker tears the contract and runs away in panic. The Stunt Bears growl and run out too.]
Amy: Well, you're free and clear. Sorry you can't keep your house.
Knuckles: Well, that's OK. I like being a nomad. I just needed somewhere to keep my lamp.
Tails: Well, if that's all you want? Why don't you just keep it in my Workshop? You can come visit it any time you like.

[Scene Change: Tails' Workshop, night.]

[An owl hoots in the background]
Knuckles: [Exhales] Good night, lamp.
[Knuckles turns the light off and goes to sleep. the screen fades to black.]