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Sonic Boom
If You Build It They Will Race (transcript)

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This is the transcript of the Sonic Boom episode, "If You Build It They Will Race".

[Scene: Tails' Workshop, day]

[Team Sonic are waiting for Tails to finish fixing his plane.]
Knuckles: Hurry up before we realize that skydiving over a volcano is a bad idea.
[Tails tries screwing a bolt into his plane but it snaps.]
Tails: Ah, crud.
Knuckles: Welp, that's what you get for rushing.
Tails: I'll just use my new Build-it Box.
[Tails types something in on his laptop. The Build-it Box creates another bolt.]
Sticks: Is that a gateway to a parallel dimension of bolt people?
Tails: Not exactly. It uses 3D modeling to replicate everyday objects.
Sticks: [Pick up the bolt] That must be why you didn't call it the "Parallel-dimension-bolt-kidnap Box".
Amy: Tails, you can create anything with this machine. Not just tiny bolts.
Tails: You're right.
[Tails types something in on his laptop. The Built-it Box creates a bigger bolt.]
Tails: Yeah!
Knuckles: Why do you hate fun, Tails?! You could build cool stuff, like a car, a pizza oven, or even a giant bolt!
Tails: Building a car or pizza oven would require a larger Build-it Box, which I don't have.
Sonic: Use this to build a-a bigger bag-baguette bot... build a beggar... ah, built it buy by a buggy bag bag or box buzzard... The answer is simple but saying it not so much.

[Scene Change: Outside Tails' Workshop, day.]

[Tails presesnts the much bigger Build-it box to the rest of Team Sonic.]
Tails: 20,000 refill cartridges later, and we're finally done!
Knuckles: Now let's make a cool thing. The biggest bolt in the world!
Amy: Or a pizza oven or a car?
Knuckles: Car sounds good too, with a built-in pizza oven!
Tails: If we're going to make a car, it needs to be multifunctional.
[Knuckles snatches the laptop off Tails. Tails gets grumpy.]
Knuckles: Functional, schmunctional. It should be monster truck-ional! With giant pavement crushing wheels! [Softly] And I believed someone mentioned a pizza oven? Huh?
[Amy snatches the laptop from Knuckles.]
Amy: We need something cute and fashionable that will turn heads... and is loaded with offensive weapons!
Sticks: It should be camouflaged, you dink!
[Sonic snatches the laptop from Amy.]
Sonic: Hello? We're making a car. First and foremost, it's gotta be fast.
[A buzzer sounds from the laptop.]
Sonic: Huh?
[A horrid amalgamation vehicle of all Team Sonic's ideas is shown on the laptop's screen.]
Sonic: Maybe we should each make our own car.
[Sonic sits down with Tails' laptop.]
Sonic: The Sonic Speedster's all about one thing. It's the fastest car there is. Gotta be. It's mine.
[Knuckles sits down with Tails' laptop.]
Knuckles: Sonic's got speed, but does he have tires?
[Tails sits down with his laptop.]
Tails: The optimal vehicle is one that's prepares for every contingency. Be it potholes, flash floods or drivers who don't give a courtesy wave when you let them merge.
[Amy sits down with Tails' laptop.]
Amy: My ride is the perfect part for the modern woman. Great for cruising to the beach with a top down, [shouting] and pulverizing everyone in my way!
[Tails sits down with his laptop while Sticks stands behind him.]
Sticks: My car's got the latest in stealth technology. You know, twigs and leaves and stuff..
[Soon all the vehicles have been created and they line up together.]
Sonic: Wow. Seeing them all together like this really puts things into perspective, like how much better mine is than all of yours.
Amy: My car could mop the floor with any of these jalopies.
Sticks: I'd like to see you try!
Tails: Obviously mine's the best.
Knuckles: Hmm... If only there was some way to pit one vehicle against another in a competition or, for want of a better word, race.
Amy: Are you being sarcastic or dim? I honestly can't tell anymore.
Knuckles: Neither can I.

[Scene Change: Village Center, day.]

[Team Sonic sit in their cars and are lined up at the start line.]
Sonic: You guys ready?
Amy: Ready to kick your butt!
Tails: Three... Two...
Mayor Fink: What's going on here?
Sonic: Oh, Hi Mayor. Uh, this week the gang all made cars and now we wanna find out which one's the best.
Mayor: If you're going to be racing on a public road, it'll need to be an official event. You have to go through the proper channels, pay the ludicrous taxes and fees, and it must be open to all citizens. Not everything that goes on around here is about you five, you know.
Knuckles: Really? Sure feels like it.
Sonic: Fine. We'll get a permit. Hope this doesn't take too long.

[Scene Change: Village Center, day.]

Soar: It's been a long, arduous eight-month process but the permits have been issued, and Race Day is finally upon us. This event has brought out such heavy hitters as local hero, Sonic the Hedgehog, some um... dingus from the post office, and incompetent fry jockey Dave the Intern.
Sonic: [Sighs] It's such a shame. Everybody works so hard on their cars and they're all gonna be eating my dust.
Dr. Eggman: The only thing I'll be eating is a victory sundae; with all my favorite flavors: Vanilla, French vanilla, vanilla bean, garlic...
Amy: Now wait just a second, egghead. You can't compete in the Eggmobile. It's a car race. You need wheels.
Dr. Eggman: Orbot! Cubot!
[Orbot and Cubot push Eggman's car chassis to the starting line. Eggman connects his Eggmobile to the top of it. Eggman chuckles.]
Soar: When the Mayor drops the flag the drivers run to their cars, start them up, and the race is on. Other than that, there are no rules! [Looks off-screen] Really? No rules? That sounds kind of dangerous...
[Mayor FInk drops the flag and everyone races to their cars. Leroy walks and Sonic reaches the start line quickly.]
Soar: And they're off! Sonic takes an early lead! And in other unsurprising news, grass is green, winter is cold, and my ex-wife is taking the beach house.
[Everyone except Leroy jump into their cars and race away. The One-Percenters glance down at the cars.]
Lady Walrus: Everything looks so close.
[Lady Walrus gets a fright and loses her binoculars.]
Dave the Intern: What's wrong, Barker? Can't ketch-up?
[Dave presses a switch that makes his car spil out ketchup behind it. T.W. Barker's car spins in the ketchup and collides with the tower where the One-Percenters are watching, eventually knocking it over.]
Professor Cluckins: It has been a privilege snarking with you today.
[Back in the race, Sonic and Knuckles jostle for position.]
Sonic: How's my tailwind taste?
Knuckles: [Holding a pizza] Not as good as this pizza from my built-in pizza oven.
[Amy and Sticks are side by side]
Sticks: Move it or lose it, tuts!
Amy: You know Sticks? It kinda defeats the purpose of camouflage if you're screaming like a lunatic.
[Eggman passes the two girls, along with Tails and Knuckles.]
Dr. Eggman: I hate rush hour traffic.
[Eggman fires a missile. It hits a tree, causing it to fall and block the road. Sonic and Eggman gets past it before it lands. Knuckles drives over the log with ease.]
Knuckles: Woohoo!
[Tails presses a button in his car, causing it to safely jump over the log. Amy flicks a switch in her car, unleashing a mechanical hammer arm from beneath her car's hood. The hammer breaks the log in two, allowing her and the other racers to continue racing. Meanwhile, Sonic almost hits a tree.]
Sonic: Maybe I should have sacrificed a little bit of speed for better handling... But on the other hand! [Dashes off]
[As Team Sonic make their way around the bend, Dave honks his horn, alerting the Chameleon to make a shortcut. Snickering, Chameleon drags a bush out of the way for Dave, revealing a tunnel that Dave instantly drives into.]
Dr. Eggman: Ah great. Nibbles is on my tail, but not for long!
[Eggman deploys a spike strip from his front wheels. Knuckles, who tossed his pizza out of his hand, tries to turn his car away from the spikes but gets struck by them and flies in the air. His car lands upside-down, driving on its smaller wheels on its roof.]
Knuckles: Hah! I knew wheels on the roof was a really smart idea.
[Knuckles steers to evade some rock but loses control, crashing into a tree and detaching the wheels. Knuckles grunts in anger as he watches the other racers go by. Knuckles takes his seat-belt off upside-down, falling out of his seat and landing on his head on the car roof.]

[Scene Change: Canyon, day.]

[Sonic and Dave race across the desert, with Dave having completed his shortcut and moved in front of Sonic.]
Sonic: How'd he get ahead of me?
[Sonic catches up with Dave and pushes Dave's car in order to get through a swing. Dave's car crashes and explodes in a splash of mustard.]
Sonic: Thanks, Dave. You were very helpful!
[Dave gets mustard splashed in the face by the other cars.]
Dave: Hey! I didn't order this! Now I know how every one of our customers feels all the time.

[Scene Change: Jungle, day.]

[Across the jungle, Amy and Sticks are side by side again.]
Amy: I got the perfect accessory for your car! It will really make it pop!
[Amy protrudes two spikes from her wheels and drives into Sticks, hoping to cause a puncture. However, the two cars get stuck together. They spin out of control and crash. Meanwhile Tails drives towards a ramp. He exchanges the wheels for a set of skis. The ramp sends him up in the air.]
Tails: Now to switch to landing gear!
[Tails swaps the skis for some extra springy wheels. However, his car bounces and flips over as it lands. Tails screams and flies out of his car, with Soar watching from behind with his jetpack on. The car crashes, leaving Tails disappointed.]
Soar: Anyone else find it strange that the fox can fly but the bird needs to use a jet pack?

[Scene Change: Canyon, day.]

[Sonic and Eggman weave their way across the canyon. Eggman uses the turns to his advantage and overtakes Sonic.]
Dr. Eggman: Not so fast around these turns, are you Sonic?
[Eggman shoots a missile from the back of his car, causing an explosion. The smoke causes Sonic to lose control of his car and crash.]
Soar: Looks like Sonic's out of the race.
Dr. Eggman: Too bad, so sad.
[Eggman strikes his fist forward and celebrates before driving away. Sonic rips off his steering wheel and gazes at it.]

[Scene Change: Village Cetner, day.]

[Near the finish line Eggman stops and celebrates with the crowd.]

[Scene Change: Canyon, day.]

[Knuckles, Tails, Amy and Sticks walk over to Sonic.]
Amy: It looks like we took this race way too seriously. Now none of us are gonna win.
Tails: Knowing Eggman, he's probably parading around before he reaches the finish line. If we can make some repairs to your car, you might still have a chance. Just need a few parts.
[Sonic dashes over to his friends' cars, picks up a few parts, and brings them to his car.]

[Scene Change: Village Center, day.]

[Eggman continues to wave to the audience. He splashes a glass of water over his head.]
Soar: And Eggman takes another premature victory lap. And why shouldn't he? He's got this one in the bag... Barring any potential poetic justice.

[Scene Change: Canyon, day.]

[Team Sonic finishes repairing the car, which turns out to be a conjunction of all five of Team Sonic's vehicles. Sonic races the new car while the rest of the group cheer him on.]

[Scene Change: Village Center, day]

[Eggman continues celebrating, but stops when he discovers Meh Burger.]
Dr. Eggman: Well, can't beat Sonic on an empty stomach.

[Scene Change: Beach, day.]

[Sonic drives towards the finish line, steering around the rocks. One rock stands in his way. He unleashes Amy's hammer and breaks a rock with ease. Sonic then drives into the Village. He then presses another button that camouflages his car, blocking his view as he comes to a stop.]
Dr. Eggman: Oh look. A moving bush. Hey, wait a second!
[Sonic's car jumps over Eggman and drives off.]
Soar: Looks like the winner isn't a foregone conclusion after all, or maybe it is, depending on your knowledge of story structure.
[Eggman takes off and goes wheel to wheel with Sonic.]
Dr. Eggman: With all that extra junk your car is weighed down. Hahaha! I was right to celebrate early after all.
[Eggman gets away from Sonic. Sonic presses the middle button on his steering wheel, which exchanges his car's car pedals for bike pedals. Sonic cycles, increasing the speed of his car. He passes Eggman and Leroy at the finish line, taking the win. The crowd celebrate as Sonic stops his car.]
Soar: Sonic wins! Sonic wins! Sonic wins!
[Sonic opens the roof of his car and salutes the cheering fans.]

[Scene Change: Village Center, day.]

Mayor Fink: Thank you fans and participants. This was the greatest race I've ever seen.
[Mayor Fink hands the trophy to Sonic. Sonic reads out loud what is written on the bottom of the trophy.]
Sonic: "Everyone's a winner who tries their best"? What the? [Discovers everyone else is holding a trophy] But-- these are just... participation trophies!
Dr. Eggman: Read it and weep, Sonic. It says "I'm a winner" too.
[Sonic grunts as the screen fades to black]