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Battle of the Boy Bands/Transcript

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This is a transcript from the Sonic Boom episode, "Battle of the Boy Bands".

[Scene: Unnamed Village.]

[Soar is giving the news, with Sonic, Tails, Knuckles, Sticks, Old Monkey, Fastidious Beaver, and Wild Cat watching.]
Soar: Breaking news! An epidemic is sweeping across the globe. Beaver Fever!
[Everyone steps away from Fastidious Beaver.]
Soar: I'm not talking about an actual disease, of course. I'm colourfully describing the mania surrounding teen singing sensation... [The screen shows a stylized image of Justin Beaver] Justin Beaver.
[A series of clips show Justin Beaver on stage, then waving to a group of fans, then running away from photographers]
Soar: Girls everywhere are going gaga over this teen heartthrob. They just can't get enough of him.
[The screen cuts back to Soar]
Soar: And suddenly, "Dad the Anchorbird" isn't cool anymore. Well, maybe Justin Beaver will foot the bill for private school instead of buying those golf clubs he really wanted!
Sticks: Just what the world needs. Another cookie-cutter pop star force-fed to us by the man!
Sonic: You're right. This "Beaver Fever" thing is clearly just a marketing ploy to sell sub-standard music to gullible teenage girls. Who could possibly fall for it?
[Amy suddenly runs up, wearing and holding a lot of Justin Beaver merchandise.]
Amy: Isn't Justin great?! When I listened to his first song, Girl, I Like You, I wasn't sure if Justin was actually talking about me. But then his next song was titled Yes, I'm Actually Talking About You, and I, like, totally freaked out!
Sticks: How can you allow yourself to become a pawn of the corporate fat cats?
Amy: Before you judge, just listen to one track. I don't want to overhype it... BUT HE'S THE GREATEST ENTERTAINER WHO EVER LIVED!

[Scene Change: Amy's House]

[Team Sonic is listening to one of Justin Beaver's songs. Amy is absolutely giddy. Sonic, Tails and Knuckles are not impressed.]
Justin: Girl, now it's time I told you about my serious condition. I can't stop thinking about you, have to call a physician.
[Sonic finally reaches over and turns the radio off.]
Sonic: Ugh... that was terrible!
Knuckles: I finally have a soundtrack for my nightmares!
Sticks: I... love it!
Amy: I knew I could rely on Sticks to be the voice of reason!
Tails: We're through the looking glass here, people. White is black, and black is white.
Amy: [still giddy] Wait until you hear the rest of the album!
[Amy and Sticks squeal like fangirls]
Sonic: Hey, Sticks. You still on for rock climbing tomorrow?
Sticks: Uh, sure. Whatever.
[Amy and Sticks start squealing again]

[Scene Change: Sticks' Burrow]

Sonic: Hello? Sticks? You ready to go?
[Sticks' Burrow is covered with Justin Beaver merchandise]
Knuckles: What happened in here?
Sticks: I turned my burrow into a totes adorbs tribute to Justin!
Sonic: Oh... is that what's going on here?
Amy: [running in] Sticks! Sticks! Sticks! You are not gonna believe it. Justin Beaver is in town, and he's doing a signing at the music shop right now! [Amy and Sticks squeal again] And he'll be performing in concert at Village Center this weekend!
[Amy and Sticks squeal loudly, making Sonic, Tails, and Knuckles cover their ears]
Sonic: You really need to stop doing that.
Sticks: What should we wear?
Amy: I was thinking about wearing the one outfit that I own!
Sticks: Me too!
[Amy and Sticks run out, squealing more]
Sonic: I can understand Amy fangirling out, but Sticks? There's something fishy about this "Beaver Fever." We need to investigate.

[Scene Change: Unnamed Village Music Store]

[A long line of girls are lined up at the music store. Sonic, Tails, and Knuckles are standing a ways away. Dixon is about to introduce him.]
Dixon: I hope you ladies are ready, because here he is! The boy who'd sweep you off your feet if he didn't have such tiny little arms, your favorite global pop phenomenon... Justin Beaver!
[Justin walks out, and points and winks at the girls as they start screaming. He's soon seated and signing photographs. First in line is Zooey.]
Justin: [signs a photo, hands it to Zooey] You're the only fan I care about.
[Zooey squeals and moves off. Next up is Perci]
Justin: [signs another photo, hands it to Perci] You're the only fan I care about.
[Perci giggles and walks off. Next is Lady Walrus]
Justin: [signs another photo, hands it to Lady Walrus] You're the only fan I care about.
Lady Walrus: Be my baby! [faints]
Dixon: Just step over her. [aside to Wild Cat] We're not selling enough merch. Turn up the track!
[Wild Cat turns up the Justin Beaver music]
Justin: Yo, yo, my doc warned you are my cholesterol. But baby, I know you're the best of all.
[The girls in line are sent into a buying frenzy. Sonic and the others are watching this.]
Sonic: Whatever's going on, that guy's behind it.
[Sonic, Tails, and Knuckles approach, but are cut off by Salty.]
Salty: Music industry professionals only.
Knuckles: Don't worry. I got this.
[Knuckles pulls out a trumpet and starts playing it, but badly. Salty is unimpressed.]
Tails: How are we gonna convince this guy we're in the music biz?
Sonic: I know just what to do...

[Scene Change, Sonic's Shack]

Sonic: We'll form our very own boy band!
Tails: Did you really have to bring us all the way down here to finish that sentence?
Knuckles: A boy band?! We'll lose our street cred! What about our machismo? Mmm, Cheese-mo.
Sonic: I know. But if we want to find out what's going on with the girls, we're going to have to man up.
Tails: And by "man up," you mean rehearse a choreographed dance routine and matching sequined outfits?
Sonic: Exactly! It's gonna take a lot of hard work, so we'd better get started.
[The scene cuts to Sonic, Tails, and Knuckles running through a dance routine in perfect sync while wearing matching sequined jackets and microphone headsets]
Sonic: That was way easier than I thought.
Tails: Now we just have to pick a name.
Sonic: [checks his watch] Well, we've still got a little montage time left.

[Montage: Sonic throws away a piece of paper. The clock is seen spinning through the hours. Knuckles seems to have an idea, but loses it. Time is shown passing outside. Sonic throws away another piece of paper into the half-full trash can. Tails is working on a formula on a chalkboard, but erases part of it. More time passes. Sonic throws another piece of paper into the now-overflowing trash can. Calendar pages rain down, seemingly showing months pass.]

Sonic: Knuckles, stop tearing pages off that calendar!
Knuckles: [turns away from the calendar] Okay, fine!
Sonic: We're supposed to be thinking of band names!
Knuckles: I was saving this name for if I ever formed a band, but how about... Dude-itude?
Sonic: That's too awesome sounding. It needs to be something soft and inoffensive. Something like--
Tails: --Dreamboat Express?
Sonic, Tails, and Knuckles: Eww!
Sonic: It's perfect!

[Scene Change: Village Center]

[Sonic, Tails, and Knuckles, in their sequined jackets, approach Salty.]
Salty: [holds up a hand] Music industry professionals only.
Sonic: We are music industry professionals. We're Justin's opening act.
[They go through their Dreamboat Express routine. Salty just shakes his head.]
Knuckles: I guess this is the end of Dreamboat Express.
Salty: "Dreamboat Express"? With a name like that, you've gotta be professionals. [opens the rope gate] Come on in.

[Scene Change: Village Center, Backstage Area]

[Sonic, Tails, and Knuckles peer out from behind a Justin Beaver standee]
Sonic: [whispering] There he is. Now to find out his evil scheme.
Wild Cat: Your three o'clock got moved to six o'clock, your six o'clock got moved to four o'clock...
Tails: [whispering] I guess it makes sense that he wouldn't conveniently reveal his evil scheme the exact moment we happen to be listening.
Dixon: Shifting gears completely, how's our evil scheme coming along?
Wild Cat: Lookin' good! Justin will debut his new single, which has fifty percent more mind control!
Dixon: Perfect! Any female within a five mile radius will be turned into a mindless consumer zombie, and I'll be reaping the profits! [laughs evilly]
[Sonic, Tails, and Knuckles duck back behind the standee]
Sonic: Mind control. That explains it.
[They're suddenly revealed when two Fennec Garbage Men remove the standee]
Dixon: Intruders! Get them!
[Benny Hill style music plays as Sonic, Tails, and Knuckles are chased off by Dixon and Wild Cat. Sonic and co. run back across the screen, followeed by Dixon and Wild Cat. The next crossing has the roles reversed, with Sonic and Co. chasing Dixon and Wild Cat. The next part has Sonic and Co. backing in from one side, and Dixon and Wild Cat from the other. When they bump into each other, both sides run off.]

[Scene Change, Amy's House]

Amy: "Mind control"? That's preposterous! Justin would never do that. He and I have a special bond.
Sticks: Us too! He even wrote a song only about me. It's called Every Single Girl I've Ever Met.
Knuckles: But it's true! Justin's producer conveniently revealed the whole scheme! Right in front of us! Talk about lazy writing.
Amy: Trust us, guys. We're not under mind control. [to Sticks] Let's get to that concert so we can spend our life savings on Justin Beaver Merchandise!
[Amy and Sticks squeal and run off]
Tails: Don't worry. I know just what to do...

[Scene Change, Tails' Workshop]

Tails: [working on a device] Since the mind control is embedded in Justin's music track, there must be an opposite sound frequency that could counter it. Just need to find it. Thus, the Measure-o-meter!
Sonic: It's fun to bring people a long way to finish a sentence, isn't it?
Tails: It really is!

[Scene Change, Village Center, Stage]

Announcer: And now, here he is. The nocturnal, semi-aquatic rodent of your dreams, Justin Beaver!
[As Justin Beaver runs onto the stage in front of the screaming crowd of girls, Sonic, Tails, and Knuckles, dressed in their Dreamboat Express jackets, head for the backstage area]
Tails: In order for me to calibrate the Measure-o-meter, we need to get on that stage without being seen.
Salty: Hey! You there!
Sonic, Tails, and Knuckles: Huh?!
Salty: The show's starting! The opening act needs to be up on that stage!
[Sonic, Knuckles, and Tails walk backstage, whistling innocently]
Salty: Man, I'm good at my job. What would they do without me?

[Scene Change, On The Stage]

Sonic: Has your Measure-o-meter discovered the counter-frequency?
Tails: Not yet. We have to stall Justin!
[Sonic, Tails, and Knuckles run on stage.]
Justin: Who are you?
Sonic: Dreamboat Express! [groans, softly] I hate that name. [normal voice] And we challenge you... to a sing-off!
Dixon: What are they doing here?!
Sonic, Tails, and Knuckles: [singing] You should expect the expected, and nothing more 'cause you've all heard this song and dance before! Our moves are stale, our harmony's bland, 'cause we're just another -- whoo! -- generic boy band!
Amy: Wow, they're pretty good!
Sticks: I'd love to meet those guys someday.
[Justin steps up, waving Dreamboat Express aside]
Justin: [singing] I've got a bold confession, and I think it's time you knew. I'm into you specifically, girl and no other girl will do.
Amy and Sticks: He's talking about me! [at each other] In your face!
Sonic, Tails, and Knuckles: [come back on stage, singing again] Yo, yo, yo! We're bringing it weak, and we're bringing it lame... Whatever we can do to keep it all the same! We're focus-tested, and radio-friendly!
Tails: [singing] The only thing that matters is that we stay trendy!
Justin: [singing] You're unique, you're complex and interesting, girl, and I'm not being hyperbolic. Let's carve our name into a tree. It's vandalism... but it's symbolic!
Sonic, Tails, and Knuckles: [jump back on stage again, singing] You should expect the expected, and nothing more 'cause you've all heard this song and dance before! Our phony-baloney image is bland 'cause we're just another -- Huh! -- generic boy band!
Justin: [singing] Won't you please be my special girl? We'll do the things you want to do. And take a trip to the place you like, and be home before [Extends note] CURFEW!
[Tails' Measure-o-meter picks up the counter-frequency from Justin's extended note]
Tails: The counter-frequency! Of course! I should have known all along!
[The scene cuts to Sonic and Tails with guitars, and Knuckles on drums. Sonic plays a tune on his guitar]
Sonic: Drop that generic phat beat!
[The crowd cheers]
Dixon: Not Rock and Roll!
Knuckles: Ladies and... uh... ladies! Prepare for the bad boy musical stylings of... Dude-itude!
Sonic: [singing] You thought we'd never beat the fever but now we're here to make you believers! Sonic and crew, rockin' with the chemistry! Crummy boy band music is the enemy!
[Sonic turns, his guitar firing a sound wave that knocks over Justin Beaver and snaps the audience out of the boy band trance.]
Amy: What happened? Where are we?
Sticks: I don't know, but listen to that sweet guitar solo!
[Dude-itude continues to play, as the crowd beings throwing away their Justin Beaver merchandise.]
Justin: [stand up] Your power rock ballad has freed me from the evil spell of mind control! Now I can move into an industry where I won't be exploited by unscrupulous producers. Hello, humiliating reality TV series!
Dixon: I'm ruined... I'm ruined!
Sonic: [singing] We're here!
Sonic, Tails, and Knuckles]: [singing] We're Dude-itude!
Sonic: [singing] And though you may find us crude and rude, we have to conclude you'll come unglued now that you've heard us...
Sonic, Tails, and Knuckles [singing] Dude-itude!
[The song, and the episode, ends]