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Sonic Underground
Artifact (transcript)

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This is a transcript of the Sonic Underground episode, "Artifact".

[The Sonic Underground theme song plays]
Aleena (narrating): We like to think that the past doesn't have any effect on us. But ignorance of the past can be as dangerous as a ticking bomb.
[Crowd commotion]
Sonia: This is a bad idea. Someone's sure to recognize me! I know everyone here!
Sonic: Take a chill pill, sis. The message we got said Buttnik's gonna make a big announcement that could mean trouble for the Resistance. We gotta be here! Besides, none of these rich guys'll pay any attention to a waiter.
Sonia: Just remember: if anything bad happens, I told you so!
Sonic: Don't forget: we're here to serve snacks, not cruise the crowd for wallets and wristwatches.
Manic: Oh, whatever you say, bro. I live to serve.
Guests: Oh my goodness! Delicious! Cocktail weenies! Oh...
Sonia: [Gasps]
Bartleby: Doctor Robotnik usually asks my opinion on occasions like this. He's a brilliant man, but socially, he's très nouveau. A society event like this needs careful planning. I always tell him. He wouldn't want the wrong class of people to get in. [Sonia walks away with the platter of hors d'oeuvres] Where is that waiter?!
Woman: Oh, I say, Bartleby! Isn't that Miffy Squinkington over there? Whyever did Doctor Robotnik invite her?!
Sonia: Phew! That was close. Oh, what a twit! As if Robotnik would ever ask Bartleby's advice. And really, what's with her hair?
Robotnik: Attention, please!
[Commotion dies down]
Robotnik: I'm sure you've been wondering why I ordered... [clears throat] invited you here tonight. You've all heard the legend of the lost city of Mobupinchu. Well, it's no legend! [a pair of Swatbots pull off some sheets to reveal two artifacts] These are the first artifacts I recovered from Mobupinchu. Priceless treasures from Mobius past, and they can be yours if the price is right. Oh, so beautiful! So rare! It makes you just want to possess it! What is the opening bid for this priceless piece of Mobian history?
Lionel: Five hundred Mobiums.
[A few guests gasp]
Bartleby: One thousand Mobiums.
Robotnik: What do you think this is?! A FLEA MARKET?! The bidding starts at one hundred thousand Mobiums!
[Crowd gasps]
Robotnik: Don't be such tightwads! All the money will go to build more Swatbots. For everyone's peace of mind and security here in Robotropolis. Anyone who doesn't bid will be suspected of being in the Resistance!
Lionel: Er, one hundred thousand mobiums.
Bartleby: Two hundred thousand.
Lionel: Er, three hundred thousand.
Bartleby: Four hundred thousand.
Sonia: Mobupinchu's the most sacred place in Mobian legend! If Buttnik's found it, we can't just let him loot it to raise more money for Swatbots!
Sonic: What does Buttnik care about legends? He's already a legend in his own mind.
Manic: We gotta stop him!
Robotnik: Sold! To the lucky bidder for a mere one million Mobiums. [Bartleby steps up to claim his prize] You got this one cheap. Bid higher on the next one.
Bartleby: [Gulps]
Sonic: Stand back! I wouldn't want anybody to get hurt.
Bartleby: Ahh!
Robotnik: Look out!
Bartleby and Robotnik: Argh!
[Guests panic as they flee]
Robotnik: It's those hedgehogs! I need more Swatbots! MORE SWATBOTS!
Sonia: And next time, remember to thank your waiter!
Robotnik: Destroy those hedgehogs! Oh, but don't hurt the artifacts. They're worth money.
Bartleby: Ohh!
Sonic: Hey! Who invited them to the party? [A shot nearly hits him] Whoa!
Manic: Huh? [picks up the orb] The Resistance needs you more than Buttnik does.
Sonic: Time to jam and scram! [the trio opens a metal container to find parachutes] Guess we'll have to skip dessert.
Robotnik: Those meddlesome hedgehogs have stolen the artifacts! I want them back! Catch those hedgehogs and teach them a lesson once and for all!
Sleet: Consider them caught and taught, your evilness.
Dingo: Er, how do we catch 'em way out here?
Robotnik: Have you been breaking rocks with your head? I'll go to Mobupinchu and oversee the digging myself! You two nitwits just recover the artifacts and bring them to me!
Sleet: And what about the hedgehogs?
Robotnik: Roboticize them. What else?
Sonia: We've got to stop Buttnik from digging up more stuff and selling it!
Sonic: But how do we stop him if we don't know where Mobupinchu is?
Sonia: There might a clue on this. I've got a professor at Mobius University who might be able to help.
Manic: Er, why don't you go without me? Besides, I got other stuff to do.
Sonic: Okay. Later bro.
Manic: Better fortune for us than for Buttnik.
Professor: Hm... curious. Very curious. Hm. Very curious indeed.
Sonia: Can you tell us anything about the location of Mobupinchu, Professor? We have to find it and stop Robotnik!
Professor: Mobupinchu, eh? Well, you know, that's what made you such a good student, Sonia. You always asked the tough questions. So inquisitive, hm!
Sonic: And I just thought she was a nosy busybody!
Professor: The Gamma Spectrum Analyzer should give us the answers. Yes, hm, trace elements. I could tell us something about where it was buried. [activates the scanner] Oh, I say, this is curious. Very curious indeed!
Sonia: What is it, Professor?
Professor: That artifact is not from Mobupinchu. It's only about five hundred years old. It's from the last Mobian War, or at least, er, the last one 'til Robotnik came along.
Sonic: Wouldn't Buttnik's own experts tell him it's not from Mobupinchu?
Professor: If Robotnik asks you a question, would you give him an answer he doesn't want to hear?
Sonic: He's got a point there.
Professor: This is just an old Mobian shell case. If it were in better condition, it could explode!
Sonic and Sonia: [gasps]
Manic: It's from Buttnik's private collection.
Vince: Hmmm... I wonder if there's somethin' inside.
Manic: One thousand nine hundred, two thousand! Wow, there's a lot the Resistance could do with this. Wait 'til Sonic gets an eyeful of all these bucks!
Sonic: Yo, bro, what took you so long? I thought you were gonna meet us at the Prof's lab.
Manic: Oh, I had a little job to do for the Resistance. What did Sonia's old teacher say?
Sonic: The joke's on Buttnik. Those artifacts of his aren't worth a Mobian dime.
Sonia: They aren't even from Mobupinchu. They're bombs from an old Mobian Army ammunition dump.
Sonic: [chuckles] If we're lucky, Buttnik'll find one in good condition and it'll blow up in his face.
Manic: Oops.
Sonic: What do you mean "oops"?
Manic: Well, while you guys were busy with the Swatbots, I took that ball thing Buttnik had.
Sonia: You mean the orb? Where is it?
Manic: I, well, like, wanted to raise some money for the Resistance, so I, er, sold it to a guy I know.
Sonic: I hope he likes to travel, 'cos he's gonna be scattered all over Mobius if that bomb goes off.
Sonia: [gasps] Don't blame Manic. He didn't know. We've got to get the orb back and get rid of it before it explodes and someone innocent gets hurt!
Manic: Let's go!
Vince: Oh, me see, ten thousand, eleven thousand, twelve thousand-
Manic: Deal's off, Vince! I want the orb back. [holds out some money] Here's your two thousand back.
Vince: Hey, you're too late! I already sold it. I got an art lover who wants to see anything that comes my way.
Manic: [gasps]
Sonic: So who's the guy who made the buy?
Vince: Er, maybe you wanna cut in on my action? Maybe the next time you wouldn't need old Vince to sell it. I gotta look out for my future. No way.
Sonic: If that orb explodes, whoever bought it won't have a future.
Vince: Eh, it's his problem. No refunds.
Sonic: Now wait a Mobius minute!
Vince: Waaah! Ahhh! [crashes into a wall] Urgh! [groans] Ugh, all right, I'll talk! Just don't spin me again! I... I sold the orb to some pompous rich guy, er, Boodlehead, or somethin'.
Sonia: [gasps]
Sonic: Huh?!
Sonia: You mean... Bartleby?
Sonic: We've gotta get that orb back!
Vince: You can't do that to me! I'll show you, I'll get even! And I know just the person who'd pay to learn where it is.
Vince: And, er, this kinda information doesn't come cheap. I gotta look out for number one, you know what I mean?
Sleet: Of course. Name your price. I'll make sure you get everything that's coming to you.
Vince: Okay, Bartleby's got the orb. And Sonic, Sonia and Manic are on their way over to his mansion to get it back.
Sleet: You have done well, my criminal friend.
Vince: Eh, it's a pleasure to serve Robotnik and, er, make say, er, a thousand Mobiums?
Sleet: You should have asked to be paid... before you told me who had the orb. Grab him!
Vince: Hey! Hey, wait! Hey, what are you doin'?! We had a deal! Look, I told you everythin' I know! You can't do this! SLEET! Noooo...!
Sleet: I said you'd get what's coming to you. [pulls a lever and roboticizes Vince] Hm. With all the money we saved Robotnik on snitches, he should give us a raise.
Dingo: You mean... we're gettin' paid?
Sleet: Er, I've been meaning to tell you about that, but not right now. We've got some hedgehogs to round up.
Bartleby: Beautiful. Robotnik's too crass to appreciate anything like this.
Sonic: You must get a real bang out of your art collection.
Bartleby: Huh?
Sonic: You'll hand over the orb if you know what's good for ya!
Bartleby: Y... you can't threaten me!
Sonia: It's not a threat, Bartleby, it's a warning. Your art treasure's a bomb. It could explode at any moment!
Bartleby: Oh, please. Don't you think someone with my refinement would be able to tell the difference between a genuine artifact and some silly little bomb? You just want it so you can sell it to raise money for the Resistance.
Sonic: That might have been the idea... [glares at Manic] once.
Bartleby: When are you going to grow up, Sonia, and stop fighting Robotnik? Your brothers are a bad influence! You used to be such a nice hedgehog.
Sonia: Oh, blow it out your ears, Bartleby!
Sonic: As much as I'd like to check, I don't speak snob. [gasps]
Sleet: Get them! And get me that orb!
Sonia: Ahh!
Manic: One big jerk deserves another.
Bartleby: My paintings!
Dingo: Oh no, not again!
Sleet: Just grab Bartleby and let's get out of here!
Bartleby: All my beautiful paintings! [Sleet yanks him with lasso Dingo] Whoa!
Sleet: [cackles] Come on. Let the Swatbots deal with the hedgehogs.
Manic: Huh?
Sonic: Where's Bartleby? [gasps]
Sonia: We've got to get the orb back before Bartleby's hurt. He may not be my fiancé anymore, but I don't want him blown up!
Sonia: Faster, Sonic!
Sonic: Now you're talkin' my language. [accelerates to the gate and gets out of the van] Take the wheel, Manic! We're goin' through.
Manic: Why'd we stop, man? We gotta keep movin'.
Sonic: We can't waste time smashin' and trashin' Swatbots. We gotta find a shortcut. [examines the path up the mountain] When the goin' gets tough, the tough get goin'... over the mountains!
Sonia: You expect us to climb that?!
Manic: Dude, your brain must still be spinnin'.
Sonic: Take a chill pill! The mountain's big, but it's no biggie.
Sonia: [gasps]
Sonic: One climb in no time!
Manic: [gasps]
Sonia: If Sonic thinks I'm letting him carry me up that mountain, he's lost his- [Sonic lifts her up] Ahhh! [gasps] Ahh! [Sonic whisks her up the mountain] Put me down! [Sonic drops her on her feet] [sighs] All that zigging and zagging has made me dizzy! And sick! Anybody got a barf bag? [retches]
Sonic: Chill, sis! At least I didn't drop ya.
Sonia: Of all the nerve! You-
Manic: Sonic! Sonia! Take a look at this!
Sonic and Sonia: [gasps]
Manic: The valley of Mobupinchu.
Bartleby: [gasps]
Robotnik: So, you thought you could get this cheap, huh?
Bartleby: [gasps]
Robotnik: You'll be ruined when your rich friends hear you tried to cheat them out of the money for their SWATbot protection!
Bartleby: You wouldn't tell them that, would you?
Robotnik: You'll be blacklisted from every party.
Bartleby: NO!
[Everyone gasps]
Sonic: Aha! [grabs the orb] Sorry, Buttnik!
Robotnik: Get him!
Sonic: Ah, ah, ah, ooh! [falls backwards] Whooaa!
Sleet: Don't let him get away with the real orb!
Dingo: What do you mean "real orb"?!
Sonic: Talk about oddballs!
Sonia: Come on, Bartleby!
Bartleby: My orb! [frees himself] Ugh!
Sonic: Uhh, oof!
Robotnik: The orb! [tries to catch it] Argh!
Sleet: I got it! I got it! [runs into a SWATbot] Ugh!
Dingo: Waaaahhh!
Sleet: Ahh, ahh! [Dingo lands on him] Ohh...
Sonic: Nice catch!
Bartleby: [gasps] My orb!
Sonia: [gasps]
Manic: Get rid of it! It's gonna blow!
["You Can't Own Everything" plays.]
Sonic: Whoa!
Sonia: Wow!
Manic: Man, we found it! The real Mobupinchu!
Sonic: Drop the rock! Think what Mom would say.
Manic: Ma? What's she got to do with it?
Sonic: Plenty. Look at this. [points to a symbol on the ground] She was here!
Sonia: And this treasure belongs to all the people of Mobius. It's our job to keep it safe.
Sonic: Yeah, it'll be a long time before Buttnik comes back lookin' for Mobupinchu.
Manic: I wish Ma could've seen us send the old buttface packin'.
Sonic: I've got a feeling she knows about it. She knows...
[The credits roll]